Author: Advisor to Men


(photo DALL-E AI generated)

Seems lately if you mention trans, you get to say anything you want and do anything you like.
I disagree with this.
Remember the infamous Texas case of the mom with very young twin boys and her insistence one of them was trans. Of course, the divorced dad was besides himself trying to get her quest to chemically castrate his son while still in single digits in age, and the news coverage was wide.

What made the ensuing court case significant is a female judge had sided with the mom and tried to stifle the father’s voice and his ability to defend the boy.

Outrageous isn’t the right word to describe most people’s reactions. If I lived in Texas, I would have been happy to picket the courthouse.

In Ottawa, a few years ago a case surfaced when a grade one teacher told her class: girls and boys did not exist. It’s that gender fluidity issue again.

This happened about four miles from my home at the Prince of Wales primary school. The principal, another woman, backed her teacher’s abuse, or idiocy, or whatever you want to call it.

One little girl in the class was so distraught to find out she was not a girl (like mommy), it affected her with daily worry.

Oh great, just what we need: take the gender that is already biologically prone to fear and give them more reason to be freaked out about themselves. The parents moved their child schools and lodged a human rights complaint.

They should have sued as well. They lost at the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario. Should we be surprised.

I remember my first trans client, a heroin addict named Mercedes (obviously her street name).

Coming from a large Quebec farm family, she was born with both sets of genitalia and raised a boy. Boys are needed on farms more than girls. Thus, began her odyssey which included her eventually reclaiming what she felt was her rightful female identify.

After disappointing her father and leaving home, she often worked as a hooker and had done time for robbing Johns. She’d long been on hormones and had huge tits and clearly female facial characteristics. When I knew her in the 1980s working as an addiction’s counselor, she was an attractive but slightly overweight middle-aged woman.

I found her charming but manipulative — though not dangerously so — as she asked me to write a book about her journey. I was there to help her with her drug habit and wasn’t distracted. I quite liked her.

She described her physical and mental ordeal at length, hoping one day to visit a Scandinavian country which was the only place offering sex-reassignment surgery at the time according to her.

Her justification for being a hooker was to afford her medical interventions. Now, it can be done here.

The universe doesn’t make mistakes. We don’t get to second guess how things turn out. People like Mercedes could be said to be put here to teach us something, even if that lesson is just tolerance.

To me, her condition was not unheard of as I had spent part of my previous summer at L’Universite de Sherbrooke studying sexology and addictions. I was fully aware of the link between substance abuse and trans, minor though it is comparatively.

At the recovery home, she fit right in as a woman though raised as an unhappy boy.

The acquired Childhood Experiences Study (ACE scores) by Kaiser Permanente was still a few years off but a quick survey of the 20 mixed gender people in any of the groups I ran (when I was the only counselor on duty all weekend) would tell you what you already knew. An ACE score of 4 and above is associated with higher risk of all kinds of things from heart disease to diabetes to mental illness.

Trauma causes stress and stress lies behind addiction. That can be early or late, sudden or gradual, biological or environmental, and nothing since has changed my mind. It is about the nervous system and how it is trained by experience.

So, despite my background as a straight male, I have some experience with trans people. I’m also sympathetic.

The current trend towards gender fluidity is my concern. I’m further convinced that like many social trends where there may have existed a tolerance deficit, in a classic corrective overreaction, it means the pendulum of change is swinging wide in error.

Rather than quietly making small adjustments, the trans cause hitched its case on the vocal gay rights movement and here we are.

I get the impression this was facilitated by social sciences academics, a majority of whom are now female. Women are far more egalitarian than are men and I suspect a shrill cry for egalitarianism from a corps of overthinking and influential females has resulted in a well-intentioned, not inclusion oriented but instead, dominant trend, which is misplaced and unnecessary, and in fact, harmful.

There I said it.

Not long after hearing about the Texas case I happened to be driving and listening to CBC radio, our Canadian public broadcaster, and heard a female academic who was advising the Ontario Education Ministry.

She stated gender fluidity must be taught in all schools from primary to secondary and that each teacher had a “moral obligation” to get the word out.

Are you kidding me? This is egalitarianism run amok.

This is the feminization of the culture occurring in a vacuum of male weakness.

“Unlike Boys, girls almost never boast, command one another, tell jokes at one another’s expense, try to top one another’s stories, call each other names, or in any way show off, and they sure don’t let any other girl do this. No girl is superior to any other girl. Should a girl appear superior, even accidentally, she faces social exclusion.”

That quote is from Joyce Benenson, a prof at The Emanuelle School (p. 178, Warriors and Worriers, 2014, Kindle version), though she is affiliated with and did most of the studies she quotes through Harvard.

Women are less social, more egalitarian and fearful than are men.

The feminine energy we currently experience embraces a kind of equality that shouldn’t be trusted for its proximity to socialist or even Marxist philosophy.

Great for women competing among each other as primary caregivers, lousy at making public policy which will determine how our children are educated on things like gender.

In her 2019 book, Primal Screams, Mary Eberhardt advances the idea politically that correctness is at least partially due to a breakdown in family.

Factors like economics, more people living in cities and so having fewer children, feminism, state support for single mothers, easy divorce laws, abortion on demand, the pill, etc. have all contributed to a much-changed family dynamic.

Political correctness might be a search for identity, she says, as people look outside of family for causes to believe in.

To taboo or not taboo: I could care less who you are having sex with as long as it’s not with children or animals and the adults involved have consented.

I have seen enough in my time to realize there is a fair bit of flexibility among folks. I’m all for less shame in society.

Look, probably over our history the taboo against homosexuality existed for a reason, especially given women’s competing for resources from men and others because of their primary caregiver status.

But also, men need to know that the guy next to him is tough enough to stand beside him and fight enemies. That’s why young boys taunt others who act like girls.

This is a hardwired set of traits.

Women being more fearful is also an inborn trait. She risks anxiety and depression at a far greater rate than do men.

Her priority after all, it to bring life forward into the future. Kind of important. She is ultra-sensitive to competition and allies.

This need to keep babies alive is the basis of her greater level of fear when compared to men. Looking after children is a job that is NEVER done.

Children can’t be left alone for a SECOND let alone a minute. Do the math: 60 seconds in a minute, that’s 525,948 minutes in a year, or over HALF A BILLION seconds to keep a kid alive to age sixteen.

It drives women a little nuts and we should appreciate their inborn tendency to worry, without condescension, but rather, with much due appreciation, even with awe.

Some men have always had sex with each other. The Greeks are famous for it and from what I can tell, until there is a woman who can interpose herself between a man and his sexual energy, it’s natural.

Some guys can become aroused with other men and some can’t. It is not my thing, but I know when I was in the penitentiary, the barbershop was full of trans and effeminate men we called sisters.

One of them, Sabrina, had undergone the hormone treatments and had what must have been about a 34 C rack on her. She was a mulatto with high cheekbones, quite attractive, usually wearing a white wife beater style t shirt with no bra.

She’d come into the visiting center on weekends and all the wives and girlfriends visiting their men would get jealous. It freaked my ex out a bit.

But, there were men in there who were big and fierce bisexual men. Jimmy had 22-inch arms and had a young kid as his boyfriend. He was doing life and was president of the inmate committee…. The kid was well protected.

There was “three tape Helen” who was another trans gal. The rumour was there was always three pieces of tape at the ready on her bunk which she used to affix her long penis to her shaved belly so guys sodomizing her wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of her appendage.

Try getting that image out of your mind now.

OK, OK, you get the picture… or message.

It’s just that the kind of upheaval we are witnessing is unnecessary given the size of the population involved.

By the numbers, here’s the data:

“The LGBT community is small. Early research on the prevalence of homosexuality suggested that roughly 10 percent of the adult population were gay or lesbian (Kinsey, Pomeroy, and Martin 1948).
We now know that these were inflated estimates (Carpenter 2013; Vizard 2014). Using six national and state representative data sets, Carpenter (2013) found that roughly 1 to 2.3 percent of the U.S. adult population identified as either gay or lesbian. Between 0.7 and 2.9 percent identified as bisexual (Carpenter 2013:217).

Transgender individuals account for roughly 0.6 percent of the U.S. population (Flores et al. 2016). Similar estimates have been found in Canada, with 1 percent of adults identifying as either gay or lesbian and 0.7 percent identifying as bisexual (Statistics Canada 2004).

For comparison purposes, 22.3 percent of the Canadian population identify as a visible minority, 21.9 percent of the Canadian population are foreign born, 4.9 percent are Indigenous, and 14 percent report having an impairment or disability that limit their daily activities (Statistics Canada 2015, 2017a, 2017b).”

Sean Waite & Nicole Denier from A Research Note on Canada’s LGBT Data Landscape: Where We Are and What the Future Holds. 2019

So two percent of the population are gays and lesbians with a few outlier dabblers and experimenters. Genetic mutations if you will.

But, just a half a point of any population are people like Mercedes.

Surely, not fun for her, and anyone who must face pain alone without people around them acting as angels of better mercy, attachment figures to which they may turn to when needed is by definition: traumatized.

Just as any kid reaches for mommy when he or she is afraid, all people need social engagement.

If we think we are going to alleviate trauma by telling little girls and boys’ gender doesn’t exist, I’d suggest you give your head a shake.

It’s in our nature to be traumatized and from it, to create resilience.

I want to encourage men to voice their concerns where they have them. It’s the silencing of male leadership power under the fearfulness of a feminine energy dominated public narrative that is the root cause of what we see happening today with the “trans question.”

I don’t even know if such a thing exists, but I do know this: wherever a small group of people can band together and act to further their interests over others, they always do it.

I don’t care what group it is; self-interest is paramount (as Conrad Black says).

Men lead, women command.

That means we either step up and lead or prepare to be bossed around by the feminine trying to mitigate insecurity. There are plenty of good contributing women out there, the ones in charge and speaking to this issue in these fashions are mistaken.

Their “white knight” enablers can’t be trusted.

Men and women have banded together since the dawn of time to take advantage of each other’s strengths and shore up each other’s weaknesses.

A woman can pretty much do anything a man can do but will have clear preferences. Those preferences are usually influenced by her caregiving status and her propensity to be attracted to the vulnerable. That’s generally the undeniable facts of her existence.

Don’t buy into the idea of a patriarchy somehow dominating women. We’d never have language unless there was reasonable equality between us.

Where there is inequality we ought to step in and speak for those who cannot speak for themselves because of development or numbers. But we don’t upset the apple cart for a few bad apples.

Most of what we do is done well. The current trans trend is largely social contagion. We have seen this before.

It’s the Lindy Effect I learned from Nicholas Taleb: A book in circulation for one hundred years is almost assured to be in circulation in one hundred more. A book published last month has almost no chance of still being around in a hundred years.

The idea of gender fluidity is but a few years old.

Nature? It has been around millions of years.

I bet on nature.

Questions? Comments?

Invictus, true and free!

Men at Work


One of you asked me how we got to where we are, so here’s an answer:

The current generation of men are part of a grand externality extending from the Industrial Age to the Digital Era which resulted in drawing men (and now women) away from home and hearth.

Whereas two hundred years ago more than 80% of us would have lived and worked together on the equivalent of the family farm, in the last 150 years especially, it seems men are married to their work more than to their families (generally speaking).

This is no one’s fault, survival amongst the tribe demanded and facilitated it. It was a different world not too long ago.

For example, one hundred years ago the greatest killer of children was infectious disease.

At the turn of the previous century, as a little boy my grandfather heard two big sisters he adored cry plaintively in the night, each calling the other sister’s name, checking in on her sibling’s suffering. It was Scarlet Fever, brought to the home by an infected milkman. Grampa Gimpy found them both dead in the morning. It broke his heart.

A few years later he heard and watched as his mother died giving birth to stillborn twins at age 40, bleeding out over three days in the house while the women of the neighbourhood desperately tried to save her.

Look to the records from TB sanitoriums of the era, or some of the institutions where our sick and mentally ill were warehoused.

This practice continued until as recently as a generation or less ago. I worked as a pool porter at the Rideau Regional Center in Eastern Ontario the late 1970s, where families discarded their developmentally delayed and damaged. A thousand or more kids and afflicted adults housed in chaos, wards that were sometimes horror stories.

Daily I walked into a room of thirty children in hockey helmets all just banging their heads on the floor while the staff smoked cigarettes and watched soap operas. The violence, sexual degradation, and oh the things I’ve seen… A hearse appeared every morning to take away the dead.

Look up the circumstances that led William Ernest Henley to write his poem Invictus in 1875. Read the poem while you are at it.

The #2 killer of children back then was infanticide. People nowadays complain of abortion and the pill. Perhaps it’s justified, I’m not sure.

Compared to today, life in times past was more Hobbesian, as when the famous pessimist wrote, “No arts; no letters; no society; and which is worst of all, continual fear, and danger of violent death; and the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” (Leviathan)

Surely that’s too much. Or was it, or is it?

In the 20th century alone, first we lost 20 million soldiers and civilians in WW1.

Then we lost 22 million souls to Spanish Flu which immediately followed.

The stock market contraction of 1929 saw world GDP drop 25%. Then we had a protracted recession (long before expansion of the money supply at Bretton Wood in 1968 and while still on the gold standard). People suffered for years. My father was born in ’29.

A world concerned with feeding itself flirted with eugenics and then the Nazi regime allied with Italy and Japan gave us WW2, the horrors of the death camps and eventually, 75 million dead.

Nagasaki and Hiroshima were obliterated with nuclear bombs.

Stalin locked down the Eastern Block countries post WW2 and killed tens of millions.

It was the US and her allies who later rebuilt Japan’s economy, and led the charge to rebuild much of the world, notably under the brilliance of the likes of W. Edwards Deming and many others.

The Korean conflict followed. China joined in support of its vassal state, North Korea, with a million-man army rushing over the border to fight the allies, resulting in the stalemate that continues today. Millions more North Koreans have died as a result.

The French colonizers of Vietnam ran from a commie north propped up by Communist Russian and Chinese military aid, and the US and allies took up the fight only to lose eventually.

I am old enough to have had friends (or older mentors) who saw action in each of those wars.

Next door, Cambodia killed millions of their own under Pol Pot. Mao Zedong’s policies killed tens of millions in China, yet in 1972 Nixon went over and shook Mao’s fucking hand on behalf of capitalism.

Meanwhile Stalin rule produced 50 million dead, maybe more, including starving millions of Ukrainians in the Holodomor in the 1930s.

The nuclear détente between east and west lasted until Gorbachev in the 1990s. And we are not out of the shit yet by any means with the likes of Putin, Jinping, Jong-un, Raisi (of Iran), and others.

When I was a kid growing up in the 1960s and 70s, we expected to die from a nuclear attack at any moment. In summer, the fire station up on Alta Vista Drive would run the air raid sirens for practice. We’d look skyward, searching for incomings…

The Cuban Missile Crisis and the assassinations of the Kennedy’s and Martin Luther King taught us calamity was on our door step.

I was in Cubs, Scouts, and even Pioneers. I attended Air Cadets (51st Squadron, Beaver Barracks). Preparing for war.

There were posters at the ice rink on the Uplands air base (CFB Ottawa South) where I later worked as a cleaner, telling us what to do in case of a nuclear attack. You were supposed to crouch down and put your head between your legs for protection… and kiss your ass goodbye.

All this world fuckery was faithfully reported to a population slavishly devoted to a thriving print newspaper industry and the new medium of TV news with Walter Cronkite in the US and Harvey Kirck in Canada.

And what did western men do in the face of all this? They went to work. They felt called as defenders to work for democracy under capitalism.

As they have always done, noble men went produced more than they consumed in support of their tribes. The honourable expendable male came through. It was Men at Work…

Only, during the Industrial Revolution, men began to increasingly work apart from their families. Suburbs sprang up, and in the Victorian era the concept of “privacy” came into being. Before that, a man’s family was with him as he worked and this changed.

For some, as long as they could put one foot in front of the other they worked. And the more talented rode this great wave of innovation and growth, while all men worked and worked and worked. We have the world we have because of them.

That costs something. I say it cost us plenty in externality (side-effect).

These changes had unforeseen consequences that are only now coming to a head, and in a sense, the chickens have come home to roost. Perhaps that is even a chicken-shit simile but I’ll explain what I mean.

When I was a kid it was “eat your vegetables, there are starving kids in Africa.” Now? Not so much.

We have gone from 1.4 million starvation deaths annually up to the year 2000, to a few tens of thousands death by hunger in the modern era (and only because of wars or other political infighting). That’s no small feat, a 97% reduction in death from hunger.

Capitalism’s powerful hold on supply and demand has resulted in the lessening of trade barriers and an increasing standard of living worldwide. By 2017, 6 out of 7 billion people on the planet were far beyond the dollar per day subsistence level of 200 years ago. Life expectancy doubled.

Industrialism and capitalism together is like a far more complex game of monopoly… the longer it is played, the more wealth and property is accrued by fewer players. Just like monopoly goes until one person wins the game, capitalism’s nature must concentrate wealth into the hands of fewer and fewer players.

Because it feeds us and provides for our quality of life, the capitalized world also beats tradition, culture, geography, relationships, and families, hands down over time. Capitalism has long had to invest wherever it can make a profit and proceeds relatively untrammeled.

It hangs in there as the most attentively played and widely protected game and so, eventually takes all the marbles.

We have gained a lot since the Industrial Revolution, but we are giving up a lot too and no one is talking about it. Once we made enough goods to house, clothes and feed a market, profits needed to be reinvested to make even more profit. Capitalism created consumerism.

Men worked more, including my Grandpa Gimpy and his brother Patrick, original Canadian Maritime “mad men” at Wallace Advertising, which was started at the end of the First World War. My dad said Gimpy wrote upwards of ten thousand slogans and headlines.

These wholesale changes of the last few centuries eroded the male/female ‘Team Human’ ethos which had most prevailed beforehand.

Writing in Scientific American recently, journalist Francine Russo interviewed Brown University anthropologist Michele Hayeur Smith, who says, “In the Viking and medieval eras, women were the basis of the North Atlantic economy, and their clothes allowed people to survive the climate of the North Atlantic… Textiles and what women made were as critical as hunting, building houses, and power struggles.”

This all changed with the Industrial Revolution’s textile mills in England, killing off this part of the Northern Atlantic way of life. Evidence has emerged over the last few years proving Viking women were also warrior women.

It falls to men… Let’s keep our eyes wide open. Left to their own devices, men and women have always banded together and cooperated, taking advantage of each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses.

In medieval times there were many European “kingdoms” that were actually run by queens. I read one report that Queens were more likely to go to war. The two longest serving British monarchs were both women. The Mediterranean during the Bronze Age has seen great queens, notably in Egypt. In short, the record shows there have been plenty of powerful women contributors throughout history.

Little boys must bask in the glory of their mother’s love the first few years. But then, to develop properly, boys must slowly make their way and become primarily influenced and accepted into the masculine order of things. Failing to do so is a disaster for him, those around him, and society at large.

I argue we can tolerate some of this as a society, but not much. The events of the last hundred or two hundred years leaves children (the effect is noticeably hard on boys), under the influence of maternal love indefinitely. In contrast, most little girls are maternal by nature.

Some men (it may now be most) never leave their mothers emotionally, regardless of her disposition. It just becomes what is normal, unawares because they have not experienced a life otherwise and, for the most part, neither have their fathers. They were working.

These boys as men long for mother’s love forevermore (subconsciously projected onto the people around him). Their nervous system is left with a dependence on maternal care and a secret search for unconditional love, or demonstrably ruled with abandonment fear.

Of course, this was never nature’s intention, which was set up so that children, especially boys, would be raised by both mother and father from the outset. Losing or dissipating the father influence at home under a mutually cooperative relationship with his wife has cost men and  the whole culture. This is how the chickens have come home to roost. This is how we are reaping what we have inadvertently sown…

The mother is a child’s most important relationship. All love starts with the maternal bond. She takes precedence the first few years to keep the child alive, and especially for boys, with the man later teaching him how to stay alive and thrive thereafter.

But mother and father both need be there early on, firstly to protect the children from each other. We are imperfect beings after all, and men and women working together are able to keep each other in check. Without this balance a family suffers under life’s demand even more.

We men and society at large have lost male rites of passage, with no ascendancy to the rank of warrior class.

We have men who are partly there in some aspects, but who in other facets are lost and confused, wondering why they are not loved unconditionally for simply being who they are. Others are simply lost and confused. No one is to blame for this, it’s the times.

Men reach adulthood and, from sheer habituation, end up looking for maternal love in their girlfriends and spouses and other females. They don’t know otherwise and just know to seek maternal care.

And for survival’s sake, these friends, girlfriends and wives sense his deficit. Her survival instinct spots weakness a mile away.

In general, women don’t get male weakness. They are puzzled by it. In fact, in many cases, it drives women nuts.

Rather than accepting a partner with whom he can build a life by allowing her to hitch a wagon to his horse, many men settle for a relationship where they are not alone. Or they are happy to swap out mom for some bossy wench whose bidding he must do under maxims like “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” all to avoid being cast aside. Men like this don’t get the fundamentals of healthy adult attachment.

Ostracism is the real scourge of mankind. In the twentieth century we pushed back hard on fascism and communism and learned to feed six billion people while adding versions of universal health care and education. Purchasing power went up and we made some headway on pollution. Gains were made around sexual, racial, and ethnic injustice. There is less tyranny and more democracy.

However, the cultural rise of female power, of the last two generations especially but stretching back a century or more, occurs in a vacuum of male weakness by way of his absence from day to day family life… and which is harmful to all of us over the longer term.

The weird thing is that chances are she gives him every opportunity at the start of the relationship to be the powerful man she needs; she expects that he knows his role. Her biological clock ticking, she bets on him. It’s the biggest gamble of her life.

Paradoxically, when a man is unable to bring his fully assimilated masculine order to bear on his relationship to offset the chaos of life sure to befall him and his woman, it makes women suffer. When women suffer, so do her children. Men are none too pleased in that case either.

And so, here we are gentleman.

Learning how to be powerful men.

Make that your priority. And, if necessary, I will show you how.

The world desperately needs you to become your most powerful self.

It is weakness that is the enemy.

Questions? Comments?




Invictus! True and Free!

©2023 Christopher K Wallace
Advisor to men ™

I do free calls to help men and sometimes I agree to work with them.
If you are up to it, here’s my scheduler




Often I get to read the to and fro between a man and his woman in the group posts. Truth is, I’ve been listening to this sort of thing for decades. The context is most often about how unreasonable she is. In my experience, in that moment he’s usually right.

It’s well known that women generally carry more negative emotion and I often say abuse of empathy is her birthright.

But…so fucking what? Lol

You have the same nervous system from tens of thousands of years ago, and so does she. The delicate balance between men and women that you see today is a process that has evolved over millions of years. You have a mild side and a wild side. Same with her.


“A good man is not a harmless man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that part of himself under voluntary control,” says Jordan Peterson correctly.

Think of your woman behind closed doors naked and in full surrender. Would you have her give up her wild side at that very moment so you could enjoy more of her mild side? Because if that is you, it may be in part the source of your weakness. In which case the sex can’t be that great either.

Remember there are plenty of differences between men and women. When I write that women always need a powerful man, that doesn’t mean there are times when she doesn’t. Read it again. ALWAYS.

You try carrying more negative emotion around and see how it feels. Already do? Trust me, it’s worse for her, it has to be. Without any say in the matter, she was deemed by nature to suffer by having to grow another human being in her body and then risk her life delivering it through her vagina.

Then she takes at least two years to recover and spends the next decades thinking about her creation, the first part desperately trying to keep the child alive. Even if she doesn’t have kids she still carries the characteristic nervous system of her gender. Outliers? Sure. They don’t disprove the rule.

A hundred years ago the greatest killer of children was infectious disease. Lifespan numbers from the 1800s are skewed low from infant mortality. If a child makes it to age four it’s usually because of its mother. You will never experience anything like this. Not even close.

What you are is the expendable male. You can whine about it, but the fact is it is your lot in life and comes with its own bullshit. Nature says your role is as a defender of life.

You have your own challenges, to be sure. It falls to men to defend tribe and community. Boys and young men fight wars. Men also suffer 95% of workplace fatalities, for example. The list goes on.

Imagine if men and women BOTH carried the same level of negativity bias? We’d be fucked, you say.

Because that’s exactly what is happening. Boys in the last century or more increasingly lack the stoic but loving influences of adult males and therefore, have taken on their mother’s ill humour. Without the countering influences or dad’s order to mom’s chaos, boys over recent generations have come to accept chaos as normal.

How’s that working for you?

If you don’t like it, here’s what you do: stop taking her bad moods, mean remarks, shitty attitudes, low blows, threats to leave, comparisons with others, and on and so forth, personal.

You are NOT responsible for how she feels. Neither for what she thinks or how she acts.

Stay responsible TO her, not for her. One of the best ways you can do that is to metaphorically rescue her from the brink of her insanity when she is overwhelmed with her darkness.

The best way to do this is primarily two-fold: having a purposeful mission and learning to say no.

Seems simple enough. Let’s see you do it.

Make sure you are taking care of your side of things. That at the very least earns you the right to stand up for yourself (and your kids) to ensure love prevails in your home.

When she criticizes in one of those abuse of empathy tirades you say, “Thanks for the feedback woman, you can’t talk to me like that, wrong guy.” Put your hand up in stop sign fashion.

This is usually met by a “fuck you” of some kind, a doubling down on criticism, with an immediate inventory of your faults listed, and even threats to leave. “I’m done,” she might say.

You hold your ground. Don’t have it. Not going to do this, you say to yourself. “Come back when you can speak to me like an adult.”

AND, not said in whiny desperate voice or breathlessly like you are under attack. No way.

Stop showing the predator your fear, for fuck’s sake. The she-wolf can smell weakness dammit!

Remember courage? Fearlessness? Think of all those times you have had to man the fuck up and find your balls in life. Why not now? Stand up and grab your balls and declare, “I am a man!”

Her feelings and words and actions and thoughts are NOT your responsibility.

She storms out of the room.

When she goes by you a while later, you tell her a version of, “Look, if you want to tell me how YOU feel and want about something using I statements while remaining open to discussion and negotiation, I’m your man. We’re in this together. But you just can’t unload on me like that. I don’t allow anyone, man or woman, to speak with me that way. Capiche?”

Maybe she storms off again. Maybe she relents. That’s not your problem.

Sweep your side of the street. Don’t yell, don’t get angry, just give directions to a lost traveler.

If sitting there while she’s in the next room fuming at you bothers the fuck out of you, realize this is all your abandonment fear working against you. It’s whose abandonment fear? Right. YOURS. Own it.

Take the Taming Shame course and start to integrate that part of yourself.

Here’s why:

You are run by your nervous system and your conscious awareness is along for the ride. If you feel something today, you have likely felt it before. The brain is trained by experience.

Same goes for her. If she is pissed at you for seemingly nothing or with a grossly exaggerated response given the context, it comes from her nervous system training along the way.

Wouldn’t it be cool if you could get to a place where you both understand this? Don’t even bother telling her until you’ve done your own work. Lead man, forge the path…

An experienced and wise gal pal taught me this: “If you can’t stand up to me, how will you stand up for me?”

When you stand up to her and hold fast, once she cools down she is reassured. If she is not too far gone and fully certifiable, she may apologize, relax into her feminine, and sit on your face.

Insist on it. Put lust first and let love take care of itself.

It took me seven years to get Missus to begin to apologize. Our first child was about two by then. And those were weak apologies at best, formalities with very little true sentiment or sense of contrition.

It took me around seven more years to get her to see her apologies were hollow exercises in phony persuasion and defensiveness. It wasn’t an “issue” all that time. I just didn’t place that much value on her “sorry.”

I’d tell you about her upbringing, but I won’t. It was poor, and awful.

It is filled with evil from both parents and it’s any wonder her and her sisters are not all dead. She should be a nut, and perhaps would be one if she was with a lesser man. I’m just being frank.

Talk about red flags.

Even the sisterhood—the many women around me who back in the day had my back—all badmouthed her to me privately.

I like to make my own mind up about people and as a manager I was used to finding the good in others and helping them develop it. I can be convincing.
I also knew if I didn’t take things personally and did my masculine thing, those good parts of hers would have a chance to flourish.
Because that’s how it works.Sure, maybe I took a chance on her, but I saw talent and determination, and I held steadfast to a demand that she releases with her best side for me.

Just like every woman takes a risk with her far more precious scarcity when she chooses a man.

What happens when people tell you they see your strengths and believe in you and encourage you?

You will do almost anything for such a person.

Every man needs to be that man for his creator of life woman.

That is how nature set things up. It’s the Team Human approach and it starts with YOU.

Seventeen years in with Missus, active sex life, still flirting with me almost every day in some outlandish way. Some of the guys in the 10MM groups have heard me tell tale. We have two wonderful children, and both of us are growing as people despite our flaws and difficult beginnings.

We follow the rule that our first duty is to protect the children from each other (meaning us), which assumes we are flawed human beings. That’s your first clue about the balance you each provide.

Women carry more shame than men and so I insisted on that deal a decade ago without justifying why. No need to trigger anyone’s defensiveness. I said, “If I ever go overboard, I’m counting on you to take over in relief. I’ll do the same for you.” It was ’nuff said.

When the pandemic had us on lockdown she found an opportunity offered by the govt for a free education to help out in old age homes. She spent 8 months going to school full time in a little office she made in the alcove of our bedroom.

She was a high school dropout, so I helped her with the entrance qualifications, and then in 15 mins taught her what I knew about study skills.

She took it from there and organized a student study skills group and passed second in her class with a 94% average.

Not having high school had always made her feel like a loser so she applied to get an actual high school diploma and did a further six months Tuesdays and Thursdays, 5-9pm. In that one they encouraged her to run her English assignments by family members. (her essays were good).

She passed above the 90th percentile again. Now she has a high school diploma and college certification plus a wall full of extra stuff she did. She could go on to nursing but has decided this is good for now. I’m pretty happy about HER decision because nursing chews a caregiver up in my experience.

Instead of staying with palliative care, she works with developmentally delayed kids at a school, non-verbal autistics, Down’s Syndrome, Encephalitis, and the like, and comes home every day saying, “I love my job.”

Who among you can say that about what they do every day. I can, so can she.

I daresay I have learned more from being with her than would have had I been with a “safer” gal. I also believe a man can learn to love just about any woman he puts his mind to loving.

It begins with you, firstly by NOT taking things personally.

Questions? Comments?

Powerful, true and free…
Christopher K Wallace

@2023 ckwallace at

I have openings for a new Friday 6PM Eastern time 10MM board check in. Format is wins, losses, challenges, questions for the group. WhatsApp chat with all the guys and a back end full of extra material. Anyone interested should sign up here:



You will often see me write that it is, if not inevitable at least likely, that a young man will break a few hearts along his way, especially at the start of his partnering years. The reasons here apply in later years too, though to a significantly lesser extent.

Let me also point out that I’m generally a pretty consistent supporter of relationships. I’ve counselled couples and been involved with both men and women individually trying to make their marriages or cohabitations work better. I don’t recommend breaking up lightly: I’m pro-love if anything.

In a meta-analysis of 60 years of attachment theory done in the 1990s, researchers were surprised at just how important the “need to belong” factored in life satisfaction. They discovered belonging governed the whole of the emotional system. When we connect with each other, our emotions rise; when we disconnect, those emotions fall.


As anyone with even a modicum of understanding realizes we operate much better when we feel positive and empowered. That largely results from how well we manage the relationships around us.

That said, the most important relationship a man ever has in his life is his first, the one he has with his mother. All love is essentially maternal in nature. The nervous system governing flight, flight, and freeze are present in the developing fetus in the first few weeks of life.

A child’s ability to connect with others begins in the third trimester—presumably when the baby starts to hear its mother’s voice—and continues when the babe is born and responds to “motherese” as she coos and cuddles and talks to the newborn. “How’s my little man today, are you hungry, do you need your diaper changed little bear?” she might say…


It is mother who teaches love from her bosom and this love then takes form in various contexts as a person grows in belonging amongst others throughout life.

Mom’s love is also critical to any child’s survival, and if a child makes it to age three or four, it is usually because of its mother. Dads are important too, but mom’s care trumps dad. She is the creator of life, while dad’s best role is as a defender of life.

Back in the late 1930s and into the mid-1940s, a few hundred men from Harvard were enlisted into the Grant study, to investigate what makes a “Harvard Man.” Later a few hundred more inner-city Boston men under the Gluek study were added and the two combined into the Grant-Gluek study.

The men underwent extensive questionnaires and testing including interviews with family and doctors and continued every two years for life. There is a small handful of these men alive presently.

An interesting finding is that warm maternal relationship meant greater earnings as an adult, as much as 90K more annually. Good paternal relationships meant less adult anxiety and greater fun on holidays.

Poor relations with mom as a child was associated with a four-fold increase in dementia end of life. (8% versus 32% if I remember correctly). Some of you will have witnessed dementia. It ain’t pretty.

I had occasion to ask my dad about his life once I rekindled our friendship in my late thirties and beyond and he told me both his parents broke his heart. I sat on his bed beside him for four hours as he death rattled before watching him die… of dementia.

I often tell how we evolved to band together to take advantage of each other’s strengths and to shore up each other’s weaknesses. I point out nature intended for men and women to raise children together.

In days of yore, we used to live where we worked. Not so since the Victorian era. What has weakened men over the last 150 years is that fathers leave the home to go to work. The usual apprenticeship under a complement of men on the family farm or family trade has now largely been lost.

Add to this is that we have just survived a century filled with calamity. WW1 saw about 20 million deaths. Another 21 million from the Spanish Flu which followed the war. The stock market crash of 1929 set the world GDP back by a quarter or more.

Total death count for WW2 is another 70 million. Add to that Stalin killed millions, as did Mao in China, Pol Pot in Cambodia. Vietnam killed millions more. The nuclear war détente stretched for half a century into the 1990s providing even more uncertainty.

The good news is technological advances, especially in medicine, double life expectancy over the last two hundred years. Starvation has decreased by 96% over my lifetime.

The great rebuilding of the world during the 20th century put men to work, and capitalism prevailed. Unfortunately, this leaves boys almost exclusively raised by the feminine caregiving around him. Not always, but predominantly, a boy’s adult influences are female.

In 1990, the poet John Bly wrote an important book for men called Iron John, in which he identified this issue and encouraged men to break free from maternal forces. Iron John is a fable where the young man is encouraged to steal the keys to the castle out from under his mother’s pillow if necessary, and fuck off on great adventures out on his own. Every man should read it.

Which brings me back to break ups.

Often when a man summons the courage to leave a woman, it is an exercise in leaving the maternal. We are trained as youngsters to be beholden to the feminine. We put women on pedestals starting with the all-powerful mother, and rarely have an adequate check to her power in masculine form.

Having the balls to leave a woman, despite the particulars, is often a calling for the man to steal the keys and leave the castle. It is an opportunity for self-reliant renewal.

If no children figure in his circumstances, he does well to realize he is not responsible for her feelings, only responsible to her as a fellow human being.

He must first honour his destiny, protecting his mission and journey, before he can defend others.

Life is suffering, unavoidably heartbreaking even.

Wherever possible, choose your pain.

Questions? Comments?

Powerful, true and free…


It is a myth that the females of our species are the more social gender. This appears to be largely based on the way women have “besties” and “gal-pals” and “her girlfriends,” people she can’t seem to exist without. If she doesn’t have these people in her life, she pays a price.

You do too , for as she suffers your life becomes complicated. Though women in general tend to have more empathy, men are more social.

According to social scientist Roy Baumeister, typically, women have at least one, sometimes up to five, women pals whom they guard jealously from each other and use for emotional regulation. It’s how most gals are made.

I remember telling my divorce lawyer about this. His wife was complaining that very morning about a new woman who moved in a few doors down and was now visiting his wife’s bestie across the street, causing her stress.

Sometimes, a woman can’t make it in the egalitarian sisterhood. I have coached many women of all ages who were stung by “mean girls” in high school or on the job.

Hell, my woman worked for a time in a nursing home among the sisters and talked about this every day.

But a woman adrift from the sisterhood is left with an emotional void in the form of unregulated emotion.

Mankind is a belonging species, and she is the source of belonging.

I’ve known pretty girls socially excluded from the sisterhood who suffered as a result. Some pretty girls will tend to find one tough girl whom they pair up with for protection.

One of my first girlfriends as a teen was a stunning blonde, a Jean Harlow look-a-like so despised by the other girls she found refuge in just one loyal friend who was probably 300 lbs.

Her other alternative is to find men as protectors and remain unregulated emotionally at some cost to her psychology.

Missus was headed to the beach with kids in tow and I made a comment about her pink bikini (though it’s long gone) She smiled and said, “I could go to the beach with my tits hanging out and a tiny bathing suit, and no one would talk to me.”

I got it. Sisterhood.

Missus tells me her strategy has always been to befriend girls who could look out for her. She’s the baby of her family, with two big sisters and an older brother, so she recreates the family dynamic in her friendships.

If a kid in grade one or two tries to join two other girls who have been playing together, chances are they will move away and go do something else. Besties is a closed system. Boys don’t tend to do this.

If you give word puzzles to primary-school-aged groups of eight boys and eight girls, the boys will fuck around… a lot. But come crunch time, with the clock running down, all the boys will contribute answers to solve the puzzles on time.

Girls will spend their time interviewing each other and then pair up so that the group ends up as four pairs of girls instead of one whole team. They contribute in pairs to the whole.

Both systems work. One is egalitarian, one is competitive.

Men tend to have many far more superficial or shallow relationships within many groups of men.

This is probably why men build cultures (women stress-test them).

Men compete to find the experts among them and then, defer to that expertise.

Operating in bigger groups is also why we suppress emotion more readily: expressing your feelings in a group is riskier and can be used against you.

If a man does not see his friends for a time, generally his suffering isn’t as obvious as it would be when a woman is deprived of hers

Geoffrey Greif’s book Buddy Systems put male friendships into four groups:

Must friend: if you have them, your best pals; you include them in most parts of your life.
Trust friend: comfortable with and trust & would be closer buddies if conditions allowed.
Rust friend: good buddies you don’t see regularly but will always be counted as friends.
Just friend: context friends from work, community, or club and fine to keep it that way.

Whereas she will share life’s challenges among her close circle of friends, he might not at all, choosing instead to “soldier on.”

Men suppress emotions for good reasons, to get things done. It’s repression that costs us. Denying we even feel something.

We are often called upon to do a culture’s “dirty work.”

Whether that be pumping sewage, working high steel, putting out fires or fighting enemies on the other side of the world, it is men who mop up when the going gets tough.

It is men who suffer 95% of workplace fatalities, for example.

We cannot entertain the same emotional frameworks women do lest it hamper our effectiveness.

In cultures across the world, men are found to experience much less fear compared women. We can also take more pain (another debunked myth).

Making men more feminine to suit new cultural norms is problematic social engineering. Weaken western men over a few generations and we risk being overrun by stronger masculine populations.

Think it can’t happen? It is happening now. That’s how nature works.

Western population growth is abysmal compared with the Third World. Don’t worry, the elites will use their resources to stick around while your line of descendants die out.

Humans are designed to exist in small, relatively homogenous groups.

All of nature is like this with few exceptions. You and I both definitely need a tribe, a group we call our own.

The answer to problems of masculinity is more masculinity.

Not less. It’s your birthright. You are what the heavens decreed.

It’s the universe of infinite wisdom which decided your gender, green-lighting your potentials and possibilities… as a man.

I encourage you all to be men.

That includes male friendships you keep in your orbit.

For example, when I moved here five or so years ago, I found out one of my best pals from my early teenage years lives up the street on a farm. Turns out he’s still hanging with one of our crew, my old friend from across the street from my parents. Hadn’t seen them in decades.

We get together every month or two or three over breakfast to talk politics. Because EVERYBODY needs straightening out on that one. Lol I even gave one of them a book by our former conservative Prime Minister.

Otherwise, if I see these men, I find an excuse to drop in. I’m out picking up feed nearby, or I want to know something, or whatever.

But to meet up we generally contrive a reason.

There are some big differences between men and women, and we should not use women’s friendships as a measure of a man’s connections to others. That’s just weird.

We are not the same, we are unabashedly, unapologetically, men.

One thing I think more and more men are doing is belonging to a group of men dedicated to personal or professional self-improvement.

Masterminds membership is a commitment you make to yourself and a group of men who get to know you.

The internet could save men, says my friend Kevin. Advisor to Men runs the Board of Directors every Friday and Saturday. For an hour or so, every man checks in and gives feedback to the other men. They say it’s the best deal on the internet.

It’s what the world needs is more powerful men. Men who can use power and love to find meaning and freedom.

Family and work life tends to isolate a man. Don’t let that happen.

Let me know what you think…

Powerful, true and free…



That women are more about people and men more about things is one of the most durable sex differences. Oh sure, there are outliers. It is just exceptions do not disprove a general rule.

One of my gal friends sent me video just last week of a baboon troupe exposed to kid’s toys, trucks, or dolls. Sure enough, the male baboons were interested in the trucks while the female baboons picked up the dolls and dragged them around like babies.

My friend said she ignored the dolls as a child and preferred trucks. She is truly one of a kind and does not fit typical predilections. She grows an extraordinary garden engineered for production & efficiency out of four-gallon pots lined up and down her driveway that has my envy.

The same way we find men who can do things we normally associate with women. Cooking is an area some men have a real knack for. My old friend Loris was the second oldest of four sons born to Italian immigrants. I met him when I was about twenty and spoke at his funeral a few years ago.

The first time I went to his house at lunch time he made me breaded zucchini like I have never had again. He prepared most family meals, and his three sons can all cook. One is a chef by profession.

Running sales teams in various cities across Canada for many years, I taught managers of all genders how to read maps. Men picked it up quickly, women, not so much. Among my collection of books is Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, by Barbara and Allan Pease.

Yet my sister-in-law Michelle has the best sense of direction of anyone I have ever known. At times I suspected she has particles in her brain that coordinate with earth’s magnetic field like birds because if I made one wrong turn, she would know immediately… and point it out.

As we confront our challenges, many are surprised to learn that we carry so much shame from our early years. Men are superb suppressors of emotion, an adaptation which allows cool under fire in emergencies. It can turn to repression where we do not have a clue how we feel.

Yet, it is in the work done to uncover, expose and rectify shame that we find significant growth. To that end, as I got to know shame better, both in myself and the men I have the privilege of working with, I developed an understandable shame awareness.

It is not quite like buying a red truck and suddenly noticing every red truck in town, but there is no doubt heightened sensibility comes along with the work. An example is rejecting both compliments and criticism from the people around you. When I see that in others, I suspect shame.

To that end, despite seeing mostly men in my daily existence, online or in person, I conclude that women carry even more shame than men. I see it in their defensiveness and hypervigilance, and the oft-irrationality of their personal suffering.

For example, social scientist Roy Baumeister points out most women tend to keep one or two, usually no more than five, best pals whom they guard jealously from each other and use for emotional regulation.

I grew up with four sisters and have found women suffer without trusted friends nearby.


Susan Pinker, writing in The Sexual Paradox, says the feminine competes by maneuvering covertly using mean remarks, social exclusion and by winning over each other’s friends and allies.

Some men do this too. 007 we imagine does it professionally. Machiavellianism could be said to be feminine energy I say.

In one Israeli study Pinker cites, girls ran against boys in track and scored best times. Boys ran against boys and scored their best times. But when the girls ran against girls their times dropped. No one wanted to be the first across the finish line and risk alienation say the study authors.

The sisterhood bands together for emotional regulation as a survival strategy. Without it, she is emotionally cast adrift from the group, her belonging uncertain, out on a limb from which she may not retreat should her male supports let her down.

That is no small thing. It would be like a child being left at the edge of the village alone, exposed to the elements and the animals. She loses her safety and succorance, her belonging.

Women are about people generally and they use their empathy to grow those around them. This is a wonderful gift. I often tell men that women do not get male weakness, it seems they do not have the bandwidth to understand how this can happen.

That she will grow up one day and be a creator of life is understood early. Her corresponding view of the males around her is that they will grow up and be powerful defenders of life.


She believes everyone and his dog knows this, that it is that self-evident. When she encounters weakness in an adult male, she can be intolerant. She has tolerance for babies and children, the sick, the infirm, the old and the frail, not so much for grown men. Women need powerful men.


When she is criticized, her shame rises as if her very existence is questioned. Her hypervigilance and defensiveness soon kick in to protect her soul. The spirit speaks for the soul, so her responses in the face of an attack on her being are… ‘spirited’ to say the least.

One of the things I suggested to my son as he made his way through life was to find himself a gal with a university education. She is still a woman, but that kind of gal will have been exposed to logic, discourse, and communication enough to at least give you a shot at reasonable argument.

It is no guarantee, but I took this gambit on his behalf. He told me later my advice counted.

The fairer sex carries more negative emotion. Men are neurotic too but women in general hit this one out of the park. It is an adaptation which allows her to spot danger and sickness in the people around her, especially children. “Ont as tous les défauts de nos qualités” say the French.

Women in general think more with both hemispheres than men and run information through the limbic (emotion) system of the brain. The corpus callosum connecting both sides of the brain is thicker in women.

If I go somewhere socially, she picks up all the undercurrents happening between people far better than I do. She remembers birthdays and such. Me, not so much.

She will tend to overthink, something a man can stand in and help her with on occasion. She also has better verbal ability earlier on. But you put a man and a woman in a room and let them argue, she is usually talking circles around him. One of the reasons for this is what I call abuse of empathy.


Men have rules of the game in an argument, probably so they don’t kill each other. The ad hominem attack is understood to be weak. It might surprise you that no one seems to have let women know about this little caveat.

Get into an argument with a woman, and with her hackles raised, nothing seems out of bounds. Your looks, your weight, your dress, your personality, and any number of personal things that have nothing to do with the subject at hand might be used against you as she defends herself.

And the degree to which she is defending herself is usually a construct of her own mind and history and bears little connection to the situation at hand.

If you feel something today, you have felt it before. You are not dealing with her in the present moment, but a history of feeling slighted.


In Warriors and Worriers, Joyce Benenson compares little girls and boys playing in the school yard sandbox. If two little boys are playing and a third one arrives, he is usually welcomed regardless of if they have played together before.

If two little girls are playing in the sandbox and a little girl arrives to join in who is not an approved “friend,” chances are the two will move off elsewhere.

Women have contended with rejection from very early in age and are wired to be egalitarian.

It is our hunter-gatherer brain. If you and I hunt and you kill a deer, we share the meat. You might keep the heart and liver and the very best cuts. But once we arrive at our respective caves, the women make sure everyone eats.

When I talk of abuse of empathy is a woman’s birth right, I am referring to her innate abilities being turned against you.

Just as a man’s strengths can be used for violence or for defense, so can her assets of verbal ability, negativity bias, egalitarianism, and wider scope be used to abuse.


Her strength in that moment becomes saboteur.

A male birthright is testosterone fueled aggression.
Applied industriously, it is a gift.
Applied violently, it is a detriment.

Either way it is still his birthright.

A female birthright is estrogen fueled empathy.
Applied to nurture is is a gift.
Applied defensively in conflict, it is wild and damaging.

Either way, it is still her birthright.

Both male aggression and female empathy are sex difference birthrights.

“Ont as tous les défauts de nos qualités” say the French. We all have the faults of our qualities.


By understanding this about women, you can appreciate her gifts and protect yourself accordingly.

It’s why I wrote The House Rules, so that you and she could negotiate fairness in advance of your discussions.

A good trick is to agree on a code word or phrase either can use to take a break. Missus and I use, “Let me get back to you about this.”

This enables you to create rules of engagement when things are going well, so that when things get heated, you are prepared.

And without turning to the “you are essentially fucked up and broken like all women” line of shaming talk and thinking espoused by certain online cowards.

Abuse of empathy, it’s a wonder of nature.

Be aware and beware, but be men.

Questions? Comments?

Powerful, true and free…

©CHRISTOPHER K WALLACE, 2022, all rights reserved,

Want to talk? Reach me here:



Abraham Maslow once said, “If you are planning on being anything less than you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life.” Codifying human needs usually mentions his 1943 work, almost always illustrated by others later as a hierarchy with self-actualization at the top.

John Schindler, co-founder of the Monroe Clinic in Wisconsin, who in 1954 wrote, How to Live 365 Days a Year, said we have six needs: love, security, creative expression, recognition, new experiences, and self-esteem.

Tony Robbins adapted these into three pairs to simplify our understanding of basic human needs: Certainty & Uncertainty, Significance & Love-Connection, Growth & Contribution.

While the ranking of needs in importance is individual, survival requires meeting at a minimum the first four needs. Overall life satisfaction depends on meeting all your needs in adaptive ways. This not only decides our attraction to others, but influences being able to experience love as opposed to unhealthy dependence. Adulthood means learning to meet your needs in healthy ways, and if necessary, autonomously. They are your needs.

No matter what race, sex, religion, origin or upbringing, we humans have six basic needs. We will use the word need because for most, the word “desire” means something wanted but optional. Desire is a better predictor of human motivation according to Stephen Reiss, author of Who Am I? which includes a desire profile. However, it is enough to say needs are also desires, it is just that some you cannot do without (the first four).

Our inability to rely on ourselves to adaptively meet those needs can create unhealthy attachment. The whole of your emotional system is based on belonging according to a 1995 meta-analysis of attachment studies done by Baumeister and Leary. When you belong, your emotions rise; when you disconnect, emotions fall.

We are wired for connection, we wish for connection, and we wait for connection says Polyvagal clinician Deb Dana. Co-dependence between us is normal but exists on a continuum from healthy to dysfunctional. When the individual loses their sense of self, egocentricity may rule their relationships. Let me explain this further.

That a child is egocentric commonly refers to a preoccupation with the self. The Piagetian view is that egocentricity pertains to speech and thinking directed by individual needs or concerns. You are invited to consider that it also means no emotional separation between the child and parent. You can imagine how nature creates this egocentric emotional attunement between adult and child for survival reasons. Children therefore experience families physically.

It can be unhealthy in adults. Get to know a partner and finish each other’s sentences. Become so familiar with each other that you can predict their moods and desires, even get good at what makes them happy or sad. But do not lose yourself. When adult interdependence turns to overdependence, it prevents mature love.

We use the world love to describe connecting to others. But there are differing states that we often call love, which are not really love at all. It is important to know that not everything you identify as love, is love. I prefer belonging, for humans are mammalian herd animals.

We will consider how the six human needs fits within love as we go.

First let us look at the six human needs one at a time

Certainty – This is the primary survival need, to avoid pain and gain pleasure. It is the need for connection, safety, stability, comfort, and resources to sustain us. It supplies predictability in an often painfully dangerous world.

Variety/ Uncertainty – This is the need for change, challenge, excitement, and stimulus. Paradoxical to the need for certainty, we need a certain amount of uncertainty to be happy with our life, to bust out of comfort zones and grow.

Significance – Everyone wants to feel like a somebody. To stand out and be considered worthwhile and appreciated. Often, this refers to the need for esteem and might also include a spiritual need to manifest our talents fulfilling what we believe is our purpose. Honour, the esteem of those you care about, bridges significance and connection.

Love/Connection – This is the need for connection with others. It is the need for a sense of being a part of something. It is the need for belonging, oneness with others, community, and the universe. It is the need to love and, in some cases, to be loved (when young) or at least to belong. Our need for sexual intimacy is in this section.

Growth – This is the need to grow and develop, find fulfillment, and self-actualize. To take whatever talents were bestowed upon you by heavens of infinite wisdom and sharpen these as if taking stone to steel. It is to become more.

Contribution – This is the need to contribute beyond your being and affect your world. The need to give and supply something of value for other people, the world, and the universe at large. It is the need to make a difference.

We all have diverse ways of meeting these needs. We meet them in both conscious and subconscious ways. We may be confident about meeting some needs more than others. But it is important to understand that we meet these needs (we seek happiness) in both healthy and unhealthy ways.

MEETING NEEDS: brainstorming healthy versus unhealthy
1. Certainty

Healthy: creating consistent routines to maintain your body; to nourish soul and spirit; to develop solid work habits which reliably produce sustenance; to form and preserve predictable and stable relationships. It means an internal locus of control, a positive identity, and being organized and orderly while striving for optimism, fortitude, and safety.

Unhealthy: allowing sloth, becoming obsessive or compulsive (including addictions including eating disorders and cutting), externalizing responsibility, and controlling relationships. Being unemployed or on assistance beyond necessity. Keeping a negative identity, tolerating personal shame, preoccupation with gloom, self-pity, rape, murder, war.

  1. Variety/Uncertainty

Healthy: trying new people, places, and things It may mean traveling, finding new hobbies/passions, engaging in stimulating conversations, networking, and meeting people, taking jobs, moving areas, watching new plays and films, seeing art, or doing art, playing games or sports, reading books, accepting challenges. Life satisfaction, growth and relationships are related to how much uncertainty you can tolerate.

Unhealthy: engaging in risky activities without adequate precaution, putting others in danger, all addictions, self-sabotage, picking fights with significant others when bored or restless, cheating while in monogamous relationships, running away from problems, quitting things on a whim, blaming, violence and war.

  1. Significance

Healthy: developing a positive identity, expressing your uniqueness, meeting goals, developing a sense of style, sharing belief systems that fit your worldview, seeking meaning for life and for your existence, allowing yourself to be noticed, putting your hand up in class, accepting compliments, being a problem solver, taking responsibility, leading others.

Unhealthy: Tearing others down, rescuing people, acting out to get attention, holding a negative identity, hiding behind a label, using others to gain status, lying to impress people, denying responsibility, and blaming, rape, murder, war.

  1. Love/Connection

Healthy: sharing intimacy, openness, becoming a part of social organizations, teams, and groups, developing compassion, time in nature, seeing the interconnectivity of all things, healthy sex, physical affection, exchanging gifts, seeing the good in others and telling them, practicing self-care, giving just because you can, quality time with others, caring for pets, having a spiritual life.

Unhealthy: Self-sacrificing, joining gangs, high-risk sex, sickness to gain attention or control relationships, off-loading problems on those around you, acting helpless, creating stories to sustain dishonesty about yourself or others, exaggerating sickness or always having problems or becoming accident prone for attention, people pleasing, rescuing others, all addictions, causing others to feel as if they need us, rape, murder, war.

  1. Expansion/Growth

Healthy: learning, adopting new paradigms, expanding your model of the world, letting go of old ideals, embracing technology, following your bliss, lateral thinking, consulting expertise, accepting advice, honing talents into strengths, seeking wisdom and knowledge, seeing life as a series of lessons, finding meaning in every life event in a continuous expansion of understanding of self and the nature of your existence.

Unhealthy: Pushing yourself too hard, making everything hard, not finishing things, procrastination, unrealistic challenges abandoned instead of adjusted, being unable to listen to other people, letting things get to the breaking point before you improve them, war.

  1. Contribution

Healthy: Random acts of kindness, being part of things that you believe in, sharpening your talents into strengths and using them to make a difference, helping others just because you can, helping to improve your community, doing your part, giving for the simple joy of giving, focusing on the solution, raising a family, defending those around you.

Unhealthy: projecting narcissism into the community, virtue signaling, using capitalism to rape the planet, joining conspiracies, joining causes which perpetuate the problem, covert contracts, self-sacrificing, war.

Notice that some things we do will meet more than one need. For example, waging war or joining a war is an unhealthy way to potentially meet every one of these needs. It is no longer such a mystery why humans have not been able to stop waging war for thousands of years when we recognize it meets many essential human needs. Whether healthy or unhealthy, or good or bad, all human behaviour can be described as need driven.

Meeting needs adaptively creates satisfaction in the self-interested brain. By meeting needs in a healthy manner, a life of meaning is possible, and you may obtain a measure of freedom from the suffering of this existence.

Chosen for life by heavens of infinite wisdom, your purpose is to make a difference manifesting your talents nearby, expanding meaning and freedom while finding your place in the sun.

It is crucial to life satisfaction that we meet every one of these six needs. The idea is not needs suppression, but to summon your adaptability around them. It is unnatural for humans to deny what they need, leaving a void that might be filled by errant spirituality, conspiracies, cults, and cults of personality. Understand your needs and the needs of those around you to gain compassion for yourself and others, and to avoid confusion and powerlessness.

Needs and Relationships
What some call a loving interdependence is a really a lopsided love that is about needing someone. This is fine to a point: everyone loves to feel like someone’s chosen, and we are wired to connect with each other. It is just that often love is a subconscious recognition that another person or thing provides us with a need that we do not feel capable of meeting on our own.

You may be blinded by the intense biochemical reaction usually associated with falling in love and become enamored with someone until they disappoint under the burden of meeting your needy expectations. Your self-concept is how you see yourself contrasted with how you believe others see you. We cannot escape the group, and we can fool ourselves.

I say we are in a perpetual search for wholeness. The key to being and feeling complete is to meet these needs in healthy ways on your own. If happiness is a decision, then let it be so with love.

Having the capability to meet needs independently means you are free to keep falling in love with a partner forever. You may even decide to put lust first… and let love take care of itself.

When we are not meeting our needs, a tendency to feel incomplete compounds and is felt emotionally. Someone who meets those needs “completes us.” Think about that next time you hear it said. All relationships are co-dependent to an extent, to which degree may revolve around how impossible it is for an individual to meet their needs autonomously.

Happiness in a relationship may be dependent on a partner meeting one or more of your needs you do not feel capable of meeting on your own. This may be obscured by “opposites attract,” when people with quite different personalities often have opposing deficiencies and strengths when it comes to meeting their own needs. What you seek is to be complementary to each other, so that the two of you combine forces and become more.

A person, who feels incapable of creating variety for themselves may be attracted to an unpredictable mate because that person creates that sense of variety and excitement for them. An unpredictable person may prefer a conservative spouse because their nature creates a sense of certainty and stable comfort for them, which they feel incapable of creating for themselves. In which case, we could say it is opposite needs that attract.

This is fine if it does not become one-sided dependence. Men need respect more than love, and loyalty. Have a look at the shield up top for more information.

The pejoratively used misnomer “co-dependent relationship” commonly refers to a relationship between people who feel so incapable of meeting their own needs in healthy ways that they are completely dependent on the other person to meet those needs for them. And from the outside, it appears as if the relationship itself is more important to at least one of the persons involved than they are to themselves. This enmeshment works… until it does not.

It is unlikely for anyone to indefinitely prioritize someone more than themselves. Even if I save my children, defend my wife, or stand shoulder to shoulder with you to fight the enemy, I am serving my self-interested brain.

We often miss what someone derives making others their priority. For example: sometimes people who selflessly prioritize the people around them are just looking for love. They may be convinced that by self-sacrificing, they will be loved in return. This covert contract is an unhealthy way of meeting that need and tends to build resentment when they are taken for granted. It is negotiating reciprocity and cooperation which underpins our interdependence.

In Conclusion 

Our happiness is not the only thing that is dependent upon our ability to meet needs autonomously. Our ability to love powerfully is in fact contingent on your ability to adaptively meet needs all on your own.

Most people fear that if we meet all our own needs, there will be no purpose for relationships. Or that it means ending up alone and no longer experiencing love. That is not what happens, for the opposite is true. Instead, relationships within the bonding dynamic share even more as each can meet their own needs but also meet some of the other’s needs.

We only own three things in life: thoughts, feelings, and behaviour and these are always an individual’s responsibility. We are responsible to the people around us, not for them. All you have to offer the world is your time, talent and effort. Own these six at all times, or at least as much as you can, and you will live a satisfying life.

When you decide to be happy it is a decision you make independent of others and what they do or do not do. Only then will we experience adult love. Born to belong (our #1 need) nothing creates personal expansion more than relationships.

Going from relationship to relationship, trying things out, looking for completeness and answers, all those encounters inevitably point back to ourselves. The answer is still the same: you. You are what you are looking for in other people.

Carl Jung taught that we try our best to solve our problems but that the eyes see out. Because of this we tend to project our internal struggles onto those around us. Once you understand projection, you operate from a much deeper wisdom.

The tendency to search for other people to fill a need means risking they will eventually fall short. The relationship will reflect whatever you lack right back at you. Others function as tableaus upon which we paint a subconscious life.

Stop and if possible, adaptively provide for yourself. It is your job to meet your six needs. They are your needs.

From the most enlightened to the consciously impoverished person, every human in existence has these same needs. The former has perfected the art of adaptively meeting needs for himself or herself, while the latter struggles.

Consider how you are currently meeting your needs and/or the needs of your partner. Replace unhealthy ways of meeting the Six Human Needs with more adaptable methods and carefully examine the needs balance between you.

When you do this, you will gain power and eventually lose emotional wanting, which is always suffering. You will instead win with no deficit of the heart. Furthermore, your relationships will be a source of joy instead of pain. Here is how:

The only person in life upon whom you may reliably count on for unconditional love with any certainty is you. This means when you love others without expectation, you can truly feel love. The best way to feel love is on the way out, emanating powerfully from you. A man’s relationships should come from his power as a man and never be his power.

You feel the love you give. As it passes through your nervous system and heart to others, you benefit first.

Now consider this: a man matures emotionally when he stops looking for love; he has reversed the flow. By his honour, he holds ancestral reserves of power and love for those whom he defends in meaning and freedom.

Invariably, he will be loved for this, though he is unconcerned…


@2022 CHRIS WALLACE all rights reserved


Racoon Revenge
Finally caught the critter who was eating my chickens.
It’d sneak in like a ghost at dusk and kill one, eat its guts and take off.
I figured it was a raccoon so set out a trap for a week and nothing.
Last night, I escorted missus on her rounds to shut her coop.
And there it was, eating her new Easter-egger rooster.
It saw us and took off up the tree.I dispatched the chicken, its heart still beating despite being disemboweled.

Then, I told the missus to hold the high powered flashlight on that tree and make her presence known.
I ran into my garage and got an 8 foot piece of 1 x 3 and reached for the duct tape.
It was gone! Fuck!

So I used that metallic tape instead.
Not as good but should work.
I strapped on a Cutco hunting knife…

I went back and had missus train the light on the upper branches while I stabbed blindly into my best guesses.
The animal roared and growled and fought back blindly as I circled the tree.
Missus kept laughing nervously the way she does when she’s overcome with fear,
“I cant believe this is happening.” Dames.
Finally, after I knew I got him a few times, it came down.
The wounded beast tried to escape over the fence but I used the 1 x 3 to hold it.

“Get me that pitchfork woman,” I commanded.|
Then, I pinned the fucker to the ground with the pitchfork.
“Hand me that brick,” I told her.

I smashed the handle and impaled the thief into the dirt.
Leaving it to die the same death it gave her rooster.
I went back into the house.

Missus just kept repeating, “I cant believe that just happened.”
Again, “I can’t believe that just happened,” over and over.
Women expect men to kill their spiders and protect them from wild creatures in the night.

We should never forget that.
I took her afterwards.
Perhaps like she’s never been taken…

This morning she said next time she uses something like my duct tape, she’ll be sure to put it back exactly where she found it.
For her good intentions a victory but I won’t hold her to it.
Later, I pinned the racoon’s tail on the chicken coop.

Not that it matters but for all the chickens to see
And a symbolic warning to his comrades.
Tread carefully, to fear my Racoon Revenge…

Powerful, true and free


Let’s talk about personality integration. Firstly, let me point out that to use the term “integration” clearly implies that there exists disintegration in a man’s life. We must not fear this.

This is work most men never do and it costs them. What they find is they are often “hooked” or “triggered” by circumstances and so they learn to avoid them. Or they have motivations they don’t understand or acknowledge. This puts him in a weaker position and although this strategy works, it’s still a pattern of avoidance and he usually remains dissatisfied.

The problems start early. When a child is forced to align with benefactors over his own instincts at a level beyond his ability to understand, he will cling to acceptance and turn away from parts of himself.

Parents use guilt successfully but when that guilt exceeds the child’s ability to resolve, he will reluctantly move forward, subjugating himself to his caregiver’s will. He is thus forced to stifle and deny a part of himself to avoid the perceived rejection of his parents. This is how shame develops in degrees.

What other choice does the boy have? He relies upon his caregivers for his entire succorance: nurturing, shelter, safety, and the positive regard he craves. The carrot and stick, threat and reward approaches by his caregivers act as a takeaway close, and seed in him a craving for acceptance and unconditional love.

As he grows into adulthood, part of his energy is spent unconsciously holding those denied parts of himself in check, all the while conflicted under this push and pull. This causes confusion, doubt, and a lesser existence.

The psyche holds back some of his talent, for it is indiscriminate in its defense of the soul. The spirit speaks… but is muffled. The yearning is there but is wild and unreconciled and often, steeped in suffering.

It’s like having a house with an enormous electricity bill. To save power, you turn off lights and switch to fluorescent bulbs and even install energy saving appliances. To no avail, your bill is still too high.

Then one day, perhaps when another expensive bill arrives in the mail, you discover an underground cable running from just below the fuses in your power panel to the back wall and towards the direction of an old shed deep in the backyard.

It’s right on the fence line with the next property and as far as you know, no one ever goes there. You thought it was empty, none of your business, not yours to deal with, and so, you have avoided it.

After enquiring around and establishing that it is fact part of your land, you get the courage to break into the shed. Inside, you are temporarily blinded as you find 1000-watt bulbs, lots of them, running 24/7. It’s not a cannabis grow-op so what else could it be? Seeking the source of this power you spot the feed going into the ground towards the direction of the main house.

Just as you are saying to yourself, “Holy shit! How long has this been going on?” you spot what looks like an image of your younger self, floating in suspended animation under the intensity of the lights. You recognize him from pictures you have seen of yourself.

Bewildered, you suddenly realize he is held in by the energy you yourself have unknowingly been providing all these years…

He responds only to your voice. You can’t explain what you do and say for these are as mysterious as the situation itself, but you give yourself over to discovery, determined not to leave the boy behind.

You have a conversation and it’s the most important talk you ever have. You listen and reacquaint yourself with him and once you have regained his trust, promise to never leave him again. You gently invite him to come up and into the big house.

He tells you things, and it’s as if he’s been waiting a long time for the two of you to be reunited and to share his story. You reassure him. He tells you more. You fill in blanks with whatever wisdom you have accumulated, and you realize what you need to do is to reparent him. He’s afraid but you persevere and take him wherever you go. He learns to handle new experiences as you defend him.

Slowly but surely, you bring him into your heart and more… ❤️ He’s not alone anymore, you are there for him and the two of you are fully reunited, and inextricably linked to each other. You have conversations in various circumstances, and he gives his perspective. You acknowledge and lead him from where he is in his confusion and suffering to where you are now with clarity and hope.

You become more powerful. Assured. Capable. Humble. You use power ?and love ❤️ in service of yourself and others. You create a life of meaning, and finally, you taste… freedom.

Time goes by…

One day you realize you don’t carry the boy with you any longer. The shed out back has long been emptied. The lights have been turned off and removed. The power cable was dug up. The splice into the main house disconnected. You appreciate the extra storage space and begin keeping your lawnmower and other tools there.

And you never forget him as you say goodbye.

In a sense, the boy has died so the man could live.

You are not sad. You are powerful.

The two of you have become one.

Assimilated, transcended, integrated…


The next energy bill comes in…

… you find it’s considerably less expensive.

Now that you control all your own power.

Questions? Comments?

Powerful, true, and free!

Start the dialogue here with the Taming Shame course:




What does it mean to be a nice guy and consistently find fucked up women as partners? Seems every day I hear it from a man of how he always seems to find the gal who has HUGE issues.
I was online with someone recently and he told me he can pick them out of a crowd on social media without even speaking to them. Mentioned he saw a cute chick on Instagram last week and noticed she followed some of his friends, so he followed her. He rated her a possible… in the way we men quickly assess a woman for her looks and as a possible bedmate.
Sure enough, the next day she’s posting about BPD and Depression awareness! He laughed and remarked how uncanny it was that he could spot the broken doll just from her looks.

Now… that may or may not have been coincidence, but I have heard enough variations of this one to know that there is merit in it.

But why is it that we do this?

I was lucky in that I had a big pool of women around me most of my life and could afford to run at the first sign of crazy. One I stayed with for almost 25 years when I could have made better choices.

Yet I suspect there was something else to my loyalty.

Not-so-Nice trait #13.”Nice guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships and issues with sexuality. Nice guys tend to form relationships only with partners whom they believe to be “projects” or “Diamonds in the rough.” So, in a way, they think they are better than their partners and are entitled to repair or polish them.”

Maybe, maybe not. I don’t buy it to this the degree that is implied here. I think that there is some of that and I also know better.

Let me add that I choose to see you men as much more noble fuckers than you probably will give yourselves credit for.

Let me explain: it’s the eyes, you see. (Forgive that, I couldn’t help myself)

It’s the eyes… the windows to the soul…

It was Carl Jung who alerted me to the way this works.

It’s like in Commando Krav Maga when we say wherever the nose goes, the head follows.

You might get this now: Our eyes see out. Not only that, wherever the eyes go the brain follows. Our eyes see out.

Jung said we wanted to work on ourselves and our problems and make them better but our gaze is external and so we project our pain and our dysfunction “out there.”

We go find it in our environment. We often use the people in our lives as a tableau upon which to paint our internal pain…

When you find a broken doll to fix you are trying to mend yourself.

Sit with that for a minute.
Most of us arrive here with a TON of guilt. Before you continue to slap yourself around indefinitely, let me step in and see if I can help.

Hear me know: We ALWAYS make the best decisions for ourselves at the time. Sure, we could do better in hindsight but that’s cheating because the truth is if we did not decide and choose better at the time, it probably had to be.

My favourite psychology professor taught me that. God, I loved her for a lot of things but for that especially.
What if we have TOO MUCH guilt? Our self-blaming then becomes all-consuming masochism.
Healthy Guilt arises from an act that can be remedied or amended.

The guilt is limited to the screw-up and usually teaches something about living.

Unhealthy Guilt is hard to pin on a specific instance, and because of this there is usually no way to make things right. It is wider in scope than any specific act and since there is no redress, it’s ripe for repetition. Most of you will fall into this category if you are not careful.
Personality disordered folks have problems with daily affairs and relating to others and will insist the reasons for their problems are outside of themselves (external locus of control).

In contrast, neurotic individuals assign too much blame to themselves for anything that goes wrong.

Which are you?

People with personality disorders are rigid and inflexible in the way they live, do not learn from their experience, and fail to change and adapt. Repeated experiences clearly showing they contribute to their own struggles teach them nothing.
Instead, when a pattern repeats, they see it as proof that others are to blame for their hassles. This is the very meaning of maladaptive.
So be careful of where you land on the feeling guilty continuum. You don’t want to be at the extremes.
If you have had a failed relationship, it is likely that you had good intentions the whole time, especially at first.
Shit just went south. You will figure that out in time.

And if you are still in a relationship and know that it is heading south, what will knowing what I am telling you do? Will it make a difference? Could it if you wanted it to?

Could you use her “issues” as a signal to forgive yourself and thereby, forgive her? Could you find that kind of love & power?

Who would you have to be to make that happen in your life if that is what you want?
The whole time you were trying to please her you were trying to nourish your own soul as well.
Now you can direct your gaze where it needs to be. Not so that you can take a year off, relaxing from all the dead ends you went down while pursuing a vague and intangible wholeness missing from your daily existence.

“Putting myself first” doesn’t necessarily mean having more of the external trappings of life and more fun and friends and adventure, though it might be some of that.

No. it’s more. It also means you work on you.

You can finally fix yourself my brother.
It is what you were trying to do all along…
true and free…