Ice storm knocked my power is out… and life goes on. A little propane… and coffee. A generator and extensions and guidance from my 9-year-old… and weak internet.
So here is part 2 of our series on using dating apps. It’s a full essay of information so takes 10 minutes to read. No matter your current situation, it’s worthwhile because the trend is growing, not decreasing. You likely will either use them or know someone who uses them in the future.
Last week, I went over some of the pitfalls of dating apps, including how multiples of choice at times tyrannizes both the men and women who use the platforms.
Because women do the choosing, the disadvantages here fall to us men. The sheer volume of options she holds in the palm of her hand (literally) are overwhelming.
Women follow a three phase life trajectory: maiden, mother, matriarch. Her time in each, as first a maiden and then a mother, is further limited by her fertility and any aging children she has produced, and in rarer cases, how she looks after sometimes ailing or elderly parents.
The grandmother hypothesis says women’s fertility stops in her forties to make her available to help a daughter raise their own children.
In the fifty years or more since this was proposed, nothing has disproved it yet. We still see this clearly in smaller tribal groups and often in closer-knit societies and families.
I’d argue it is this overall limited fertility period which gives a woman her preciousness.
For perspective, just think of how a man can continue fathering children into old age. Remember that dude in 2007 who fathered a healthy baby girl with his fourth wife at 90 years old?
He told The India-Times he intended to stop having children when he hits the big 100 years of age. Champ.
Her preciousness also burdens her, as she benefits from a greater acuity at spotting sickness in children and danger in the environment (by way of a negativity bias).
This “gift” is at the same time helpful but also often a mystery few women understand.
You get the odd old gal who, looking back on her life, will admit, “I was a nut” or “I drove myself crazy” or such things.
I think most gals don’t see it though (or do but fail to admit it).
I tend to believe one reason is because the majority don’t have a powerful man by her side to help “check” her negativity bias, sometimes acting indirectly in how he leads the relationship to steer her, and others, clear of her discomfort and sometimes, her storms.
Instead, you now have a feminized culture projecting this negativity bias onto its male members. In our collective weakness, we have made ourselves easy targets. Masculinity itself is under attack.
Just this morning, I read journalist describe Trump’s response to being charged with 34 counts of “whatever” as being met with his usual “hyper-masculinity.” Talk about painting all men with the same brush.
This is the culture in which women have to find connection, maybe love, maybe a partner.
If she is in the maiden maturational phase, time is of the essence (as the real estate contract clause goes), and her risk to self concept and social standing has never been so great.
She often gets only marginal help, as many women are now operating outside the deeper community of support women evolved to rely upon.
In the quiet of the internet, her shadow can prevail.
My son Corrie straddled the digital and in-person dating modes and found a wife. Or… more accurately, she found him. Now aged 39, I got him to read The Flaky Date part one.
I remember him telling me back then that his dating life changed as soon as he grew a “sea captain” beard.
He’s a good looking kid but in a world of confused men, such first impressions count. It is not lost on me that this symbolized manliness to many women and turned their heads his way.
Beards have become fashionable again. We all should have bought equity in a beard oil company a while back.
My number one son offers you some of his thoughts on using dating apps, included here only slightly edited. He says:
“#1. Dating (and dating online) is no different than sales.
It is a numbers game and requires persistence and the ability to not take “no” personally.
Some women aren’t even there to actually meet men, but rather use it as a quick form of validation via matches and guys fawning over them, only to disappear when she’s done playing with you.
Let it go and don’t get attached. Until you’ve met them, to me, they aren’t real. They may as well have been a bot.
Think of it as nothing but a fake profile from the app itself trying to keep male user retention high (this has an added benefit of protecting the ego).
#2. Not all apps are created equally.
Tinder for example is primarily visual. It’s the easiest for women to use, men too, and you in turn, get a higher rate of flakes. It may attract gals who aren’t serious about meeting or are only serious about a specific type of male (her preference or higher value male).
Don’t invest time in analysing women’s photos and making a pros and cons list before giving them the go ahead, say yes to everyone and see who you match with, then filter based on what your wide net brought you.
Use catch and release.
#3. When it comes to pictures, profiles, and messages, just like sales, less is often more. For starters, pictures should tell a specific story that will validate you in some way to your prospective match.
a. Dressy photo (wedding, professional event, etc.) to show that when necessary, you clean up well.
b. Social photo, preferably with 1 or 2 attractive women. But not where you’re draped all over them or with an ex.
This is to show that you aren’t an incel/recluse and that other attractive women are happy to be in your presence (or at the very least can tolerate you).
If you have a social photo where you’re laughing, that tells them you’re fun to be around, great!
c. Another photo should be some kind of action photo.
Do you ski, hike, fish, play sports, etc.?
Show them you are an independent person and lead a happy and fulfilling life regardless of your relationship status (I had a skydiving photo for instance).
d. Got a dog?
Great! I’m convinced that Mr. Newman (my dog) has gotten me laid more times than I’d ever had been able to without him.
If the guy has a cat, consider getting rid of that cat because that’s just gay, let’s be real😉 (cw: don’t hate!)
However, pics of you and your dog are easy for women to like and an easy conversation starter once you’re in contact with them.
Your profile pictures tell a story, so it’s important that a guy chooses them wisely.
Topless muscle photos are “douchey.” An exception is when it’s an action shot playing volleyball with friends and pretty women, which is less vain and therefore, less “douchey” (douchie?).
Also, topless muscle pics scream to women “I just want to fuck,” and you’ll turn some off unnecessarily.
Same goes for sloppy-slob photos where you’re unkempt. Women don’t want to be your mom (ouch! cw).
Keep total photos to no more than 6 but no less than 3.
#4. First messages.
Sure, you can spend 20 minutes reading a woman’s profile and crafting a custom opener for her, but remember, this is a numbers game. You’re better off having a simple and solid opener and only personalising if something jumps out at you.
Just like doing doors (note: Corrie ran door sales crews for years like his old man), if something about the property or the person sticks out, mention it, otherwise, come up with some simple icebreakers.
“Hi” is lame. Do better.
A little bit of research and some forethought and you can come up with some funny/witty/interesting openers to copy and paste to matches or women you’re into.
#5. Once you’ve messaged and they’ve responded, the goal is to move the conversation off the platform ASAP, and to something more personal like a phone number, IG, telegram, WhatsApp, etc.
I would try to go about no more than 10-15 exchanges before steering them to a text. This helps identify attention seekers with no intention of meeting you and allows you to focus on only those interested in meeting someone.
I’m not wasting my time talking to some broad I’ve never met for hours/days on end before I ever meet them. They could be using 10-year-old photos for all I know.
The goal is always moving to the next step and stage of development.
Don’t invest too much time and effort with nothing to show for it.
#6. Online dating is a lot of fun… once you get good at it and remove any emotional attachment.
Women have their own tips and secrets to weed out losers and enhance their safety. If a woman is meeting you, assuredly she and her friends have stalked your online presence to the best of their ability.
She knows exactly where she is and her location tracking is on.”
– – – – –
When I suggested that looking for maternal acceptance gets in the way, he agreed, saying, “That’s most guys issue. It’s also partly social conditioning via media and fantastical opinions of women in their lives.
Men should NEVER take dating advice from other women, and only generally in rare instances and on specific contexts.”
He then added, “Movies and TV are written for women, idealistically. Showing up to a woman’s house playing a love song on the boom box outside her door is called stalking, but in the movies it’s romantic. They have no idea what they actually want…”
So there you go, solid advice from a successful player.
By the way, Corrie met his gal on the west coast of Canada while she was on a work/visit visa, something the commonwealth countries do. They used a dating app to meet.
He first matched her on Tinder, and she ignored him. Then he saw her on OKCupid… and got her attention there. He said he’d also been talking to a friend of hers at the time before meeting her. BINGO!
After a whirlwind couple of months, she took him to a ball game for his birthday towards the end of August and left for Ireland the next day. Her visa had expired.
They stayed in touch online and sure enough, she told him that if he came to visit for Christmas, she’d pay for half his ticket. This was an offer he couldn’t refuse, and so, he walked through that open door.
Upon his return in January, he called me and said, “Dad, I’m selling everything. Me and Mr. Newman are moving to Ireland.”
It’s been what? Seven, eight years? He’s been there ever since.
true and free…
Have a look at this graphic for more tips…
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Ice storm news: I had four trees and tree limbs come down in my backyard, all around the yard shed where I keep a Kawasaki Mule 4×4 and an almost new lawn tractor. None of the trees or limbs hit the shed and did damage. How nice is that?