HOW TO USE DATING APPS
part one
THE FLAKY DATE
A man asks why are dating app women apt to be so flaky?
Let’s face it, it’s a fair question.
Dating apps continue to change how we meet up and there is no end to it yet. Guys find some gals don’t show up, or show up once and then ghost, and just act… flaky.
According to eHarmony, 20% of relationships in the west were founded in dating apps. Including 7% of marriages…
My #1 son is a dating app veteran pro. He married a delightful gal whom he met online a few years back. She soon took him to Ireland… never to return.
But what about the flaky bit? First thing to remember is that not every woman is on a dating app. So if you don’t like how you are being treated, there are other options.
The platforms exaggerate her advantages to the point of tyranny. Sure, that is annoying to you, but it tyrannizes her as well, just differently.
To better understand, let’s first look at how we evolved to find love.
For the longest time, families decided whom their daughters would marry, still a practice held dear all over the world. Not only that, you have more diverse female ancestors. Back in the day, almost every woman became pregnant, whereas only 30% of men produced an offspring.
In western culture, over the last hundred years both men and women have been freer to choose a mate.
The precious female creator of life typically self-assesses against her peers in adolescence. She may or may not keep her sexuality under wraps as she becomes acutely aware of where she fits in the peer attractiveness hierarchy. Fitting in is critical to the sisterhood as I’ll explain shortly.
First, from what I know, women don’t generally rank each other the way men rank them. We might say “she’s a 5, or she’s an 8.” Regardless, most gals know where they stand comparatively.
Ex. a gal ranked #3 doesn’t even usually try to date the football team quarterback. He’s head cheerleader stuff all day long. You know it, I know it, we all know it (the odd exception doesn’t disprove the general rule).
When she is ready, her hormones will tell her to seek a man in her environment who matches or slightly exceeds her self-assessment. Why would she proceed any other way? After all, one of her risks is that she sells herself short.
She signals him, and if he doesn’t respond, she’ll think he’s not interested. If he does, she encourages him, and he chases her until she catches him.
It’s nature’s way of ensuring they both feel like someone’s chosen.
We shouldn’t kid ourselves, she usually orchestrates, and she does the choosing. Many a man thinks he swept her off her feet only to realize weeks, months or years later, that she was pulling the strings all along.
That doesn’t mean a man can’t send a gal into a tizzy of “pick me” desire on occasion. Sometimes a certain male comes along and she finds herself surprisingly… “stirred.” She can be triggered, so don’t give up gents!
Ah yes, love is grand, and people negotiate desire amongst each other every day. That cologne you wear, clean shirt, brushed teeth? All these can be part of romantic persuasion. We are adaptable. We can be sold.
Unfortunately, dating apps give her too many choices and often, flakiness is a nasty side effect.
It’s like that study I read about many years ago where a supermarket offered more than a couple dozen flavours of ice cream or something at a snack bar. Sales were so bad they considered closing it down and to cut costs, dropped their menu offering to just five or six flavours. Sales took off and the place stayed open.
It is ironic that dating apps created by men have inundated women with the equivalent of exactly what happened at the supermarket snack bar. Not only do dating profile swipes make the number of her choices overwhelming, but it also further commoditizes human relationships.
I bet you may be all for it if it means you are going to be licked like ice cream, but that’s not what I mean, again, unfortunately.
Dating apps make the expendable male even more expendable.
There is also the protection factor.
A girl can’t be too careful (as they’ve been rightly told since they were knee high). In the old days she could rely on her father and brothers for backup. That’s all gone now, or there is very little of it. Over 30% of women in the west have no children at all. She may not even have a brother.
If you read me, I teach about how women generally carry more negative emotion than men. This evolutionary adaptation helps her spot sickness in others (especially children) and danger in her environment.
It is worth filtering any view of her actions with compassion for this sex difference (amongst many others).
I’m not a fan of dating apps and never recommend them. I also understand some of you feel there is not much choice but to use them. I get that. So as a last resort, how can you use them wisely?
First it means NOT taking it too personally when one gal acts flaky.
That may be a gift, a litmus test of your own security. Think of it that way.
It might also be you and your approach (all feedback is worth considering) but it’s just as likely that it’s her.
Women tend to choose for power, kindness, industriousness.
I like to sum that up as Defend, Deliver, Decide. Only fucked up broads are attracted to assholes. Don’t ask me how I know.
If I was going to use a dating app, I’d put up a professional photo hinting at my personality. I’d want to look powerful without being morose, or angry, conveying both kindness and capability.
I’d write a bio that captures my style and attitude about life, and I might include something about what I like to do.
Not a chance would I try to match what I think she’s looking for. I would, however, keep things positive and focus on my strengths and what I’m looking for.
In part two of this series, we’ll take a deeper dive into what works.
Probably a third of women on dating apps use them to get laid (damn feminists!) and that means two thirds of them use dating apps to meet a suitable man. One of the men told me last night he thinks first date sex is a sign she does not see you as viable long term material (damn feminists!).
You can do what you want but I’m more of a one man-one woman type who takes on a partner with whom he can build a life.
Men and women have always banded together to take advantage of each other’s strengths and shore up each other’s weaknesses. As with anything, Team Human is the only approach for me.
Should I get any traction with a gal, I tease a little, even cajole her, to test if she has a sense of humour, and more importantly, a sense of adventure. I am looking for surrender.
If by chance I was to agree to meet a gal in person, on a “date” from a “dating app,” in my opinion, there is only one way to proceed. It requires an attitude found in what I teach young men first asking a gal out.
Ex. “I am planning to go do such and such on this day or that day, would you like to come along?”
If she was nervous, I might say it in a way that lets her know others are there (remember her negative emotion: think safety).
The message I want her to get is that I can go alone, that I don’t need her, but that I would tolerate her in my life on a test basis, however briefly, and make the best of it… AND keep her safe. “Wanna come?”
Even seventeen years into my current relationship, this is how I tell Missus anything about what I’m up to. It permeates daily life between us.
Think of ways to incorporate this attitude across the board with women.
Meanwhile, having set my app profile, I’d get busy doing other shit.
That means out of the house and around others serving my community in some way. There are a ton of charities and service organizations where you can meet other people while doing good. Maybe you could even found one.
Before you go anywhere, read and practice Rapport Made Easy: https://www.advisortomen.com/rapport-made-easy/
Here’s another not-so-secret secret: the sisterhood gathers for safety and vets potential partners for each other.
Go out and make yourself powerful among mixed company and before you know it, women will signal you. If you treat everyone well, you may find gals who introduce you to others… who in turn, will signal you.
You may even forget you were ever on a dating app.
Questions? Comments?
true and free…
cw
Next week, part two of this series covers how to use a dating app successfully. I’ll teach you the subtle art of “the hook” I use to test for surrender…
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