DISTANCE = SEX
Young fella in a group is getting married in the spring. Posts his intentions and asks for advice. I give him the quick version to which he and others respond gratefully. I’m struck by how important these things are to couples, to men, to children.
I told him this:
“She’s marrying you for your power and will then spend the next twenty years wondering if she chose correctly. Don’t disappoint her, stay powerful. Women can’t abide weak men, not easily.
Oh, and she’s not your mother. Don’t expect unconditional love. If you are powerful and kind, chances are she’ll be loyal—sexually and in spirit.
If not, if she senses you are weak, expect her to rub salt in the wounds of your weakness and/or, hold you in silent contempt.
She’ll stop fucking you then too. Women are pragmatic souls. Men are the poets and romantics.
Good luck. Let me know if you need help.”
But what else could I have told him? To be sure: plenty.
Because, if he’s like most men, he will knock that woman up and become a father. We often think women become our partners because of some endearing quality of ours which makes us irresistible. She dovetails with my life because she can’t live without me. Ahem. No. Not quite.
Perhaps it is more she is interested in a man as a partner, because two people fighting for existence against the chaos of life is better than one? True.
And, just as a man marries what he can tolerate, so does a woman but with key differences. He tolerates her and expects her to stay more or less the same, especially sexually. She, on the other hand, see his potential, her vision for the future more acute in same-aged couples.
At sixteen, most gals know already what kind of man they want as a husband, what kind of house they’d like to live in, and how many children they would like to have. That last one is key. Guys, not much vision at all at sixteen.
Women mostly marry to have children. That has not changed, though there are plenty of exceptions. I know couples who decided not to have children and live a rewarding life of fulfillment derived otherwise though activities, community, work and friends.
But most of us will become fathers. I could write a book about facets men should consider and one day I will. But for a young guy getting married now, the beginning of this post is the short version.
And sex. That’s the subject most guys can’t see clearly. They go from getting it regularly at the start of a marriage to much less over time.
We are told this is normal. I think that’s bullshit. I think it’s just that we don’t understand our women as well as we could.
Women are sexual human beings first. Not mothers. Not friends. Not workers. Not wives. And, forgive me if I mention: not firstly, “soulmates,” though in time they can become indispensable intimates. There’s danger in that too.
It was her body, her sexual power, her surrender to you which gained your devotion. Why should that change?
Truth is, sexual intimacy wanes with better communication. It is distance which creates want.
The more familiar you and your missus are with each other, the more comfortable, the less sex.
Comfort kills lust. That’s the facts.
It does so because there is no danger to it. There’s little unknown. When we first start sleeping with someone, we never really know what their reaction is to seeing us naked, to exploring each other’s bodies, to living out our sexual sides. There is this huge risk in trust disrobing in front of someone.
You take that away and you may only have obligation, not the stuff of exciting sexual distance. This is why I seize upon power in a relationship, not as a way to manipulate or dominate. No. Not at all.
It’s just that women need a man’s power to live out the part of her which needs to surrender to an entity greater than herself. It grounds her by permitting loss of control in her otherwise and usually conscientious existence.
The rest of her life she can have her shit together. But with her man, she must lose it. For, it’s only by providing an outlet for her darker side that she can flourish as the goodly wife.
Men would do well to remember this. We all have a shadow side we need to integrate. Sexual intimacy with a partner can be thought of an integration of each other’s shadow lives. At least, temporarily.
It’s an acceptance of shame and abandonment and control and agency and many more, all in the name of intimacy.
Distance is what creates polarity in a couple. Not a life of no secrets and shared emotions. As her man, you must remain dangerous lest she lose faith in your ability to protect her, but also to thrill her.
You put lust first, love will take care of itself.
Stay powerful, never give up.
© CKWallace, 2019, all rights reserved