Should a man be passive aggressive?
How would you know?
The Mayo Clinic says this”
“Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a person who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior says and what he or she does.”
Why not? What about Machiavelli and The Prince?
What about Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power?
I’d argue that being passive aggressive is more of a feminine trait (rest in peace ma). And keeping in mind that we carry both forces within each of us, with one of course usually predominating according to sex.
It’s just that being passive aggressive is based on lies.
And NOT lying is one of our greatest challenges.
When we lie we are incongruent and others can see it or sense it.
Most of our problems are sourced in the bullshit we tell ourselves.
Let’s have a look at general sex differences (and note that exceptions don’t disprove the rule).
Consider less than a 2% dissimilarity in DNA separate men and women.
Not much until you consider the DNA differences between humans and chimpanzees is also just 2%.
At least a quarter of human genes express differently between men and women, maybe more. Most illness I’ve read about, the disease presents slightly differently in men and women.
Sex differences are sometimes a matter of life and death.
Let’s take a look at how we compete with each other to unravel the passive aggressive question.
Men tend to compete head-on to determine expertise and accord each other a hierarchical ranking (context dependent).
Afterall, not everyone can be quarterback… just as not every quarterback can play on a defensive or offensive line, catch passes, kick field goals, cover and tackle, run for touchdowns, etc., etc.
Men evolved together to find out who can do what. Even the apprentice-journeyman-master craftsman levels follow this requirement.
While the term alpha is a misnomer, meaning it doesn’t at all apply to humans, colloquially (commonly) you could say every one is an alpha in favourable circumstances to them.
For example, it doesn’t matter how much money you have or how big your muscles are, if your car is stuck in a ditch in the Appalachians at 3:30 am, the only top dog there will be the never-finished-high-school tobacco chewing hillbilly who shows up with his tow truck to pull you out.
(Apologies for the stereotypical characterization of Appalachian tow truck drivers as hillbillies. It will make more sense in the next paragraph)
Men also dominate each other with teasing, ball busting, and in extremes, bullying. Originating in the male child’s rough and tumble play, men push each other to test mettle (guts, courage, etc.).
This makes sense… for if you can’t stand up for yourself how will you ever stand shoulder to shoulder with me and defend against the enemy?
Boys know from a very young age that they are life’s defenders.
In the real world, mom is not there to protect you, son.
Speaking of mom, women usually compete differently than men.
They are necessarily egalitarian by nature and adhere religiously to the principle that there is safety in numbers.
Let’s say you and I hunt and kill a deer, we’d split the carcass and you might get the organ meats if you made the kill-shot.
Back at the homestead, handing over the victuals to the woman, she’d make sure to feed adults, teens, grandparents, the sick and infirm, and especially children–kids and babies. Mom makes sure everyone eats.
Safety in numbers and distribution equality are built in to her. Women compete with other women and are loathe to stray very far from the norm.
An over-preoccupation with equality and sameness in our culture is a clear sign it has become feminized. This comes from a good place yet has negative consequences only men can address. More about this in another newsletter.
Since women spend from 50 to 90% of disposable income, my impression is that the economic system to stay viable must serve them first. That’s how we got ’90s shows like Everyone Loves Raymond and the like.
Men invented capitalism, think about that.
Psychologist Susan Pinker (sister of Harvard’s Steven Pinker) says the way women compete is to maneuver covertly while using mean remarks, social exclusion and by winning over each other’s friends and allies.
This is not restricted to antisocial females nor their psychopathic sisters, and represents the typical “mean girls” clique found in any high school. It’s THE reflexive approach for most women.
Women tend to have one, two, no more than five best pals whom they guard jealously from each other and use for emotional regulation (Baumeister, 2010). This is an essential aspect of most women’s existence.
Missus sends a picture of almost every supper she cooks to her best pal.
Men don’t do that.
Men typically engage with many different groups of men with whom they pursue work, family, leisure and other activities. It’s why men also usually need a reason to meet up.
I’m going to see a buddy I have known for almost fifty years tomorrow. I haven’t seen him in months. I promised him five signed copies of my book. He wants to talk to me about some new dame he’s seeing. Reasons.
Men are pretty good at suppressing emotion and don’t typically “wear their emotions on their sleeve” in group settings because that could be used against you (see male ball busting above).
The male equivalent for the emotional regulation women engage in with her girlfriend is the man banging his woman. Keep that in mind.
These differences in how we compete can also be dangerous in ways that every man needs to be aware of and take into account. Hell I teach this stuff to my kids.
For example, if two men argue about something, the possibility of punching each other in the face tends to restrain them both and keeps things civil.
Argue with a woman and you may find she goes behind your back and ruins your reputation with others (mean remarks, social exclusion, winning over friends and allies)… so that someone else punches you in the face.
This is one reason why for many years as women entered the work force in greater and greater numbers, most people still preferred a male boss.
Women included.
This is still true but men have gotten used to women in the work place and half of men now say they don’t care if their boss is a man or woman.
Men are highly adaptable, so that makes sense. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve counseled wounded by being ostracized by other women. I ran large sales teams and used to teach this to my young charges, both male and female, and what a relief when they knew what was up!
I often say abuse of empathy is a woman’s birthright. This is a formidable survivor trait in the sisterhood and when she feels threatened she is likely to resort to low blows while exploiting emotion and tossing the rules of fair play out the window.
Read The Crux Bamboozle in SIPPING FEAR PISSING CONFIDENCE to find out more about how women experience fear differently than men.
She arrives as a female burdened with being nature’s designated caregiver and precious creator of life. Besides the risk of childbirth, her burden is more negative emotion and the scarcity of a short fertility period.
Nature gave her a man to balance out these chaotic forces within her and so he provides order as the expendable and powerful defender of life.
With considerable overlap, together, they are Team Human.
Acting passive-aggressively towards others and longing for emotional validation are unbecoming traits in a male.
It is embracing chaos over order.
Doing so may be channeling his mother’s influence.
As such it is unmanly and signals him as a boy.
And the boy must leave the mother to become a man.
Questions? Comments?
Powerful, true and free…
cw
Advisor to Men ™
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