What happens when a couple who love each other get into the routine of a comfortable life and stop being physical? What are the differences between us in that case?
In the spirit of the day, my two cents in 10 points.
1. She is a sexual human being. Defining her by roles outside of being a sexual human being means you are rewarding these other personas and not the one you fell for in the first place. This is a mistake. Why? Because it means the sexual experience is displaced.
Be careful about this because it happens all the time. If you think back, you can probably sense the day it changed. Where you went from lovers… to coparents or friends or coworkers or… roommates.
It happens when you both get down to the business of family life and before you know it, you hardly recognize each other. With awareness, you can avoid this. She will lose herself in service to her family and community and so, do not let her forget who she really is. Be the guardian of her spirit, wild and free.
2. With charm and wit and service, I hunt my woman from dawn to dusk. And sometimes in the middle of the night. She always knows I seek to possess her. She is MY woman.
Of all the women I could be banging in the world, she is the one I gave into (because women do the choosing and we chase them until they catch us). It’s not that the choice has been made and so is never revisited. It’s that the choice NEEDS to be made again and again and again… forevermore.
Because she took a HUGE risk in choosing me. Most women do this and then spend the next twenty years wondering if they chose correctly. Why? Because her depth and breadth are big advantages and like all of us, sometimes our qualities are faults. She tends to overthink.
“What if I chose wrong?” her inner demons demand. In which case she will need a powerful man whose presence can reassure her. It might piss her off momentarily when he rescues her from the brink of her insanity with powerful confidence, but she will remember… and be reassured.
What ritual do you have in place to reconfirm your commitment to each other regularly? Might be worth thinking about. It could be just telling her after she’s done something you appreciate, you might say, “yeah, I think I’ll keep you,” with a smile. Then shut up and date that woman.
I don’t care who you are in this world, everyone wants to feel like someone’s chosen.
Our whole emotional system is based on belonging. How about making that choice, her choice and your acquiescence, front and center each day so that it’s never relegated to ‘taken for granted’ status. Every day. You choose each other again and again. You re-confirm.
3. Flirt with her regularly. Let her know you find her attractive and appreciate her loyalty. Note I frame things as such so she is by my side, as a “loyal co-traveler,” and not as a wife, mother, worker, or some other role. No.
A man with a loyal woman at his side has the wind at his back. But he must stay a little out in front of her to feel it. Not only must you resist putting her on a pedestal, but you must deal with the ‘women are wonderful’ effect. It’s real, look it up.
When a man has a loyal woman, she becomes his standard. When you say the word “woman” he sees only her. He sees her naked in his mind, even when she’s wearing a skidoo suit. This never changes.
4. Lust must not become one-sided wanting. Wanting in life is generally suffering. As soon as you want, you must contend with not getting. I try to avoid wanting, or I’m careful about it. This is part of my power as a man. I want her but don’t need her. While she contributes immensely to my life, she does not hold the keys to my happiness. She needs a powerful man, not a dependent one.
5. It is understood between us, with no room for doubt, that we must get naked. That orgasms between a couple are what bond us together. That when two people are naked there are no secrets. It’s full trust, no sword, no shield, no armour, no hiding, no lies, just passion.
We are emotional beings first. We must both know and accept this truth. We realize this is how nature and God keeps us together.
6. Build a house of power and love. We have children so we understand the best thing we can do for them is stay together and model our love. We love chez nous because I set that tone. I must, she is too busy caregiving to take that lead. A house of power and love first requires a man’s cooperation.
7. Negotiate different sex drives. And what is that anyway? Did I expect she’d ebb, and flow sexually like me? Did I expect she’d entertain my fantasies and not realize she has her own?
Men have less orgasms as they age, women have more. Well beyond their reproductive years, she can orgasm at any time pretty much 24/7 and multiple times barring illness. Keep that in mind.
Most men are lousy at interpersonal negotiating. You bargain based on positions and so tend to aim high, hoping you can split the difference and land in the middle. This is weak human agreement.
It is risking dealing from the active and passive shadows of the King archetype. The passive side is the Weakling Abdicator, in which you gave in, or failed to bargain at all. Or from the active shadow Tyrant, in which case it’s a “My way or the highway” dictate.
Instead, you want to bargain from interests. What are her interests? Keeping her marriage, relationship, and family intact? Hanging on to her man? And secret interests? Make it so safe she can tell you.
8. You are each other’s shadow outlet. These are those parts of you unacceptable to the ego, which itself is your integrated central nervous system. The ego denies, distorts, and represses inner and/or outer reality to avoid anxiety and depression. When we deny the shadow, we also deny our talent.
Is it with you she must feel safe enough to visit her darkness… and this may be what allows her to remain conscientious and good the rest of the time.
Are you her secret confessional? The one with whom she visits aspects of herself she would never show to others? Do you share your nightly dreams?
If not you, then who has she? Be that man. Think she doesn’t have that? If so, that’d be your problem, seeing her as an object of maternal love. You can do that, but it will signal you as a boy, not as a man.
Hence, in which case don’t expect to get naked with her very often because subconsciously (or not) to her your immaturity means she would be having sex with a child. Most women won’t do that.
9. Women are egalitarian to a fault. Mothers make sure everyone eats. She will also always want to look good in front of others. She lives this at an existential level¬—for her and her children may depend on her good standing in the tribe to survive one day. As nature’s delegated caregivers, women make sure everyone eats.
Do you encourage this need of hers… or upset her apple cart?
Missus once said to me, “I wants others to look at the two of us and wish they were me; NOT look at us and feel sorry for me that I am with you.”
She’s an old soul she is and this was the best advice I’ve ever received from a woman.
Can you have it all with her? Can you earn her respect and, if necessary, when needed take her frustration by gently imposing limits? Do your honourable acts earn her loyalty? Her heart and mind?
To a man respect is love and love is respect, earned by deed or taken with limits. He acts honourably to win hearts and minds realizing we are loyal only to those whom we respect.
10. I want to help her get what she wants out of life, she wants to help me get what I want out of life. That is our overt (not covert) contract. Because she is egalitarian by nature, this is easy-peasy.
Encourage vulnerable conversations and you will find many of your interests overlap. Usually most of them do, and just a few of them are individual to each other, and are nevertheless supported by both.
There you go, a little Valentine’s Week inspiration.
Put lust first, let love take care of itself.
Power & Love
This is the day…
©2022 CKWallace, advisortomen.com all rights reserved