Often I get to read the to and fro between a man and his woman in the group posts. Truth is, I’ve been listening to this sort of thing for decades. The context is most often about how unreasonable she is. In my experience, in that moment he’s usually right.
It’s well known that women generally carry more negative emotion and I often say abuse of empathy is her birthright.
But…so fucking what? Lol
You have the same nervous system from tens of thousands of years ago, and so does she. The delicate balance between men and women that you see today is a process that has evolved over millions of years. You have a mild side and a wild side. Same with her.
“A good man is not a harmless man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that part of himself under voluntary control,” says Jordan Peterson correctly.
Think of your woman behind closed doors naked and in full surrender. Would you have her give up her wild side at that very moment so you could enjoy more of her mild side? Because if that is you, it may be in part the source of your weakness. In which case the sex can’t be that great either.
Remember there are plenty of differences between men and women. When I write that women always need a powerful man, that doesn’t mean there are times when she doesn’t. Read it again. ALWAYS.
You try carrying more negative emotion around and see how it feels. Already do? Trust me, it’s worse for her, it has to be. Without any say in the matter, she was deemed by nature to suffer by having to grow another human being in her body and then risk her life delivering it through her vagina.
Then she takes at least two years to recover and spends the next decades thinking about her creation, the first part desperately trying to keep the child alive. Even if she doesn’t have kids she still carries the characteristic nervous system of her gender. Outliers? Sure. They don’t disprove the rule.
A hundred years ago the greatest killer of children was infectious disease. Lifespan numbers from the 1800s are skewed low from infant mortality. If a child makes it to age four it’s usually because of its mother. You will never experience anything like this. Not even close.
What you are is the expendable male. You can whine about it, but the fact is it is your lot in life and comes with its own bullshit. Nature says your role is as a defender of life.
You have your own challenges, to be sure. It falls to men to defend tribe and community. Boys and young men fight wars. Men also suffer 95% of workplace fatalities, for example. The list goes on.
Imagine if men and women BOTH carried the same level of negativity bias? We’d be fucked, you say.
Because that’s exactly what is happening. Boys in the last century or more increasingly lack the stoic but loving influences of adult males and therefore, have taken on their mother’s ill humour. Without the countering influences or dad’s order to mom’s chaos, boys over recent generations have come to accept chaos as normal.
How’s that working for you?
If you don’t like it, here’s what you do: stop taking her bad moods, mean remarks, shitty attitudes, low blows, threats to leave, comparisons with others, and on and so forth, personal.
You are NOT responsible for how she feels. Neither for what she thinks or how she acts.
Stay responsible TO her, not for her. One of the best ways you can do that is to metaphorically rescue her from the brink of her insanity when she is overwhelmed with her darkness.
The best way to do this is primarily two-fold: having a purposeful mission and learning to say no.
Seems simple enough. Let’s see you do it.
Make sure you are taking care of your side of things. That at the very least earns you the right to stand up for yourself (and your kids) to ensure love prevails in your home.
When she criticizes in one of those abuse of empathy tirades you say, “Thanks for the feedback woman, you can’t talk to me like that, wrong guy.” Put your hand up in stop sign fashion.
This is usually met by a “fuck you” of some kind, a doubling down on criticism, with an immediate inventory of your faults listed, and even threats to leave. “I’m done,” she might say.
You hold your ground. Don’t have it. Not going to do this, you say to yourself. “Come back when you can speak to me like an adult.”
AND, not said in whiny desperate voice or breathlessly like you are under attack. No way.
Stop showing the predator your fear, for fuck’s sake. The she-wolf can smell weakness dammit!
Remember courage? Fearlessness? Think of all those times you have had to man the fuck up and find your balls in life. Why not now? Stand up and grab your balls and declare, “I am a man!”
Her feelings and words and actions and thoughts are NOT your responsibility.
She storms out of the room.
When she goes by you a while later, you tell her a version of, “Look, if you want to tell me how YOU feel and want about something using I statements while remaining open to discussion and negotiation, I’m your man. We’re in this together. But you just can’t unload on me like that. I don’t allow anyone, man or woman, to speak with me that way. Capiche?”
Maybe she storms off again. Maybe she relents. That’s not your problem.
Sweep your side of the street. Don’t yell, don’t get angry, just give directions to a lost traveler.
If sitting there while she’s in the next room fuming at you bothers the fuck out of you, realize this is all your abandonment fear working against you. It’s whose abandonment fear? Right. YOURS. Own it.
Take the Taming Shame course and start to integrate that part of yourself.
You are run by your nervous system and your conscious awareness is along for the ride. If you feel something today, you have likely felt it before. The brain is trained by experience.
Same goes for her. If she is pissed at you for seemingly nothing or with a grossly exaggerated response given the context, it comes from her nervous system training along the way.
Wouldn’t it be cool if you could get to a place where you both understand this? Don’t even bother telling her until you’ve done your own work. Lead man, forge the path…
An experienced and wise gal pal taught me this: “If you can’t stand up to me, how will you stand up for me?”
When you stand up to her and hold fast, once she cools down she is reassured. If she is not too far gone and fully certifiable, she may apologize, relax into her feminine, and sit on your face.
Insist on it. Put lust first and let love take care of itself.
It took me seven years to get Missus to begin to apologize. Our first child was about two by then. And those were weak apologies at best, formalities with very little true sentiment or sense of contrition.
It took me around seven more years to get her to see her apologies were hollow exercises in phony persuasion and defensiveness. It wasn’t an “issue” all that time. I just didn’t place that much value on her “sorry.”
I’d tell you about her upbringing, but I won’t. It was poor, and awful.
It is filled with evil from both parents and it’s any wonder her and her sisters are not all dead. She should be a nut, and perhaps would be one if she was with a lesser man. I’m just being frank.
Talk about red flags.
Even the sisterhood—the many women around me who back in the day had my back—all badmouthed her to me privately.
I like to make my own mind up about people and as a manager I was used to finding the good in others and helping them develop it. I can be convincing. I also knew if I didn’t take things personally and did my masculine thing, those good parts of hers would have a chance to flourish.
Because that’s how it works.
Sure, maybe I took a chance on her, but I saw talent and determination, and I held steadfast to a demand that she releases with her best side for me.
Just like every woman takes a risk with her far more precious scarcity when she chooses a man.
What happens when people tell you they see your strengths and believe in you and encourage you?
You will do almost anything for such a person or persons (if you are lucky enough to have more than one encourager in life).
Every man needs to be that man for his creator of life woman.
That is how nature set things up. It’s the Team Human approach and it starts with YOU.
Seventeen years in with Missus, active sex life, still flirting with me almost every day in some outlandish way. Some of the guys in the 10MM groups have heard me tell tale. We have two wonderful children, and both of us are growing as people despite our flaws and difficult beginnings.
We follow the rule that our first duty is to protect the children from each other (meaning us), which assumes we are flawed human beings. That’s your first clue about the balance you each provide.
Women carry more shame than men and so I insisted on that deal a decade ago without justifying why. No need to trigger anyone’s defensiveness. I said, “If I ever go overboard, I’m counting on you to take over in relief. I’ll do the same for you.” It was ’nuff said.
When the pandemic had us on lockdown she found an opportunity offered by the govt for a free education to help out in old age homes. She spent 8 months going to school full time in a little office she made in the alcove of our bedroom.
She was a high school dropout, so I helped her with the entrance qualifications, and then in 15 mins taught her what I knew about study skills.
She took it from there and organized a student study skills group and passed second in her class with a 94% average.
Not having high school had always made her feel like a loser so she applied to get an actual high school diploma and did a further six months Tuesdays and Thursdays, 5-9pm. In that one they encouraged her to run her English assignments by family members (her essays were good).
She passed above the 90th percentile again.
Now she has a high school diploma and college certification plus a wall full of extra stuff she did. She could go on to nursing but has decided this is good for now. I’m pretty happy about HER decision because nursing chews a caregiver up in my experience.
Instead of staying with palliative care, she works with developmentally delayed kids at a school, non-verbal autistics, Down’s Syndrome, Encephalitis, and the like, and comes home every day saying, “I love my job.”
Who among you can say that about what they do every day. I can, so can she.
I daresay I have learned more from being with her than would have had I been with a “safer” gal. I also believe a man can learn to love just about any woman he puts his mind to loving.
It begins with you, firstly by NOT taking things personally.
Powerful, true and free…
Christopher K Wallace
@2023 ckwallace at advisortomen.com
I have openings for a new Friday 6PM Eastern time 10MM board check in. Format is wins, losses, challenges, questions for the group. WhatsApp chat with all the guys and a back end full of extra material. Anyone interested should sign up here: