People get frustrated and call each other names. Argue with a woman and unless you have very clear rules of engagement, expect the invectives to fly. Why? All you need to know is that abuse of empathy is a woman’s birthright.
She’s a survivor, smaller, thinks with both hemispheres and runs things through her limbic (emotional system) while taking in more information than she probably needs. That’s her advantage in some situations, and a disadvantage too. We all have the faults of our qualities.
Think I’m exaggerating? OK. How fast would you tell our SO she was fat during a disagreement? Never? How quickly would she use that against you if she saw an opening? There you go.
Even more reason to stay in shape. A man with a loyal woman at his side has the wind at his back and he better stay out in front of her to feel it. You better believe that’s true.
So if she calls you names, here’s what you do:
1. Immediately put up one hand like this towards her, and say “I don’t let people talk to me that way, wrong guy,” and walk away.
2. If she requires more, it’s “I get you’re frustrated with me but when you call me names you lose me.”
3. And “I will hang in there with you to solve things, but I won’t stand around being disrespected.”
4. And “wrong guy, I am not the type you can talk to that way, I am the type who will problem solve like an adult.”
5. And “stop now, let’s take a break and come back to this when you can do it without the name-calling.” Etc. etc…
You would rightfully think right now “how the fuck am I going to pull this off?” and so, you are going to do what you have done to learn anything: practice.
When no one is looking, stand in front of a mirror and practice some of these lines over and over until you stay them with confidence and determination.
I used to practice in the rear view mirror while driving. It works.
Practice the progression all the way to the timeout suggestion. That way you are offering a temporary solution using Anticipation, which is setting a goal for all concerned.
That’s leading. She probably has a side of her that hates that she is the way she is but doubles down in justification and uses old options out of survival.
You must claim an identity here (wrong guy) or see yourself being a bitch for the world around you. You don’t want that.
Make clear who you are by using, “I’m not the type _______ and I am the type ______” statements to establish boundaries around your character.
To claim who you are say it out loud. I am not… I am…
Either build your identity or it will be built for you. Once you hit about age twenty-five or so, you are 100% responsible for your education. That means you must teach yourself, by using your awareness to choose your learning.
Have a good look at the House Rules for Effective Communication. Have your woman initial a copy with you and agree together to abide by them in the name of love.
Don’t pull that during an argument. Pick your moment and lead your relationship. You are going to show her another way. A way to bypass her family of origin programming perhaps, a way to skip simple protection and instead opt for connection.
Only men can insist that love prevail in a home.
Women might be able to do it but have a self-interested relational brain and a need to belong that gets in the way.
She has a deep secret fear: she serves her people while harbouring doubts about whether she is appreciated, afraid she is being taken advantage of, being gamed, and perhaps even laughed at behind her back.
Her tendency to overthink means she will therefore become a martyr and martyrdom to some women is slavery.
That’s her cross to bear under the caregiver spirit. That would piss anyone off.
So, it is her cross, don’t let it become yours.
Never forget that this secret fear is running in her background and accept that it is you who must establish love as the guiding principle in the home. You don’t fix her, you provide environment.
Reassure her, tell her she’s appreciated, and show her the light as per the above limits while establishing that love is the cultural norm in your castle.
She is safe there under your protection, surrounded by your power and love finding meaning and freedom.
You appreciate feedback and work towards a mutually cooperative relationship. And you don’t have to take abuse or name calling or anything else from anyone.
Let that suffering die on a cross forevermore on this Good Friday…
Power & Love,
True and Free!
©CHRIS WALLACE all rights reserved, 2022, advisortomen.com